Monday, December 08, 2008

Chindi giri

Exactly, thats what I was doing for some days now.. and it reflected very well in the exams yesterday.I got royally fhaaked up..

Anyways ,some one asked me to tell em abt the general mumbai lingo and here I am writing it down.. it may not be the exact version.. but thats what I used among people of similar age group.


...I would rather write a blog post in that lingo instead of explaining each and every term..........

" apun ko toh yeich sabhko samzhaneka hai ki aisa chindi giri exam ke pehle nai karneka sala ekdumich vaat lag jata hai.bolehtoh ekdum kutte mafhik."
"sala exam bhi aisa ki subah subah khopdi soojane keliye sade nau baje rakha.. aur vo bhi kidhar.. ekdum khopche mein bole toh ekdum se colaba mein."
"mein toh bola aaichya gavat.. inlok ko duper ko rakhne mein kya hota hai.. sala neend ka falooda kardene ka fhokat mein."
"itnaich nahi toh apun bhi sala yede jaisa poora raat jaagta tha.. toh sala subah oothne ke vaande ho gaye..."
"kaisa toh haag mooth ke, 2 maska pav khake pahoonch gaya railway station.." naseeb se milgaya fast train.... takatak VT janewala..
abb socha accha hai jaldi pohoonch jaoonga.. lekin ghanta jaldi .. chinchpokli mein sala agee peechvada hilate huee ek express train ja rahi thi.. toh barabar mere walilocal ke bambooo maar diye.fhir bhi pahooncha VT aath beees ko.
pehli baat toh sala security vahan pe taan ke thi.. sabh ko pakad pakad ke poonch rahe the mamu lok..
aur mein toh sala shave haircut kuch bhi nahi kiya tha.. sabh mamu lok mereko dekh rahe the aur bula rahe the.. gharse nikal ne se pehle aai boli bhi thi ..""tu pakka atankwadi distos""
VT station se finally vantas hoke pahoonch gaya bus stop.. bus bhi ekdum dhinchak jaldi aagaya.. teeen number ka.. dhakka bukka mar ke kaise toh chadh gaya..
6 rupiyaa ticket.. laga bhendi kitna dooor hoga ye..last time gaya tha lekin bhul gaya.. khopdi mein itna kisko yaad rehta hai..... waisee bus ka driver ekdum soomdee mein chala raha tha gaddi ko.. ekdum bhaga ke..
Bus mein ka aadha public naya tha..naya bole toh first time visitors to colaba.. toh sabh lok khidki ke bahar dekh rela tha sabh "atankwadi sites" ko.. leopald cafe.. metro cinema etc..
apun toh sabh fhirang kudi ko dhoondh dhoondh ke dekh rela tha..
lekin sala ye fhirangi lok jitna TV pe accha dikhta hai ootna real mein ekdum bhusa lagta hai.. saab laal laal... mumbai ka dhuph unki khol ke marti hai..
dekhte dekhte.. ajata hai stop... last stop...
stop se thoda hi aage chalke exam centre tha. ooddhaar registration sabh hone ke baad.. sala kitna security.. itna check kiya itna check kiya ki muzhe sirfh nanga karneka baki tha..Metal detector se sala chipka chipka ke dekh raha tha..Vo jagah bhi nahi choda.. mera oodhar lagaya toh "beep" kiya :|.. metal detector ne beep kiya .. 'usne' nahi.. sala security wale ne smile diya.. gay sala..
exam centre bhi ye punter logon ne auditorium mein rakha tha.. aur oodhar projector pe unke institute ka film chalu tha.. sabse pehlee exam hall mein pahoochneke baad apun item lok kitna hai vo dhoodhta hai..itne nahi tha... thoda sad ho gaya apun.. lekin chalta hai...
doosra thing hai mooth ke aane ka..toh apun gaya.. lekin sala loo ke naam pe poore audi ke liye ek loo tha.. first floor pe.. sala oodhar bhi line!
bhendi mein socha sala pant mein hi ho jayega...
ruka rukaa .. hold kiya bahut.. finally mil gaya loo mein jane ko..
ho gaya ye kaam bhi.. abhi last kaam exam likhne ka :|

vapis aya hall mein toh muzhe aage baithneko bola..muzhe problem nahi tha.. mera loo session ke time mein oodhar kafhi chickwas agaya tha :D..
sabhko ye lok ne cardboard ka pad diya..sala aisaa chu giri tha ye.. audi ke seats mein teen ghanta ghanti bajke exam likhneka.. benches nahi kuch nahi..
paper mila toh aur ek shot baith gaya.. aisa fhaaddoo paper nikala tha..
exam ke beech mein aisaa taan ke bhookh laga aur oppaar seneend aareli thi..lekin exam questions hosh uudaa rahe the... aisa khopdi satak gaya..kaise toh khatam ho gaya..
barabar se gotay jaam hogaye , exam ne poora nanga kar diya.. boleh toh khol ke maar di.
socha sala abhi padhna padega.. ye sala apun ka dimag bhi shot hai.. exam hone ke baad padhneka man hota hai.. exam ke pehli nanga naachne ka man karta hai..
vahan pe mere junior bhi the.. ladki thi.. boli paper accha gaya .. :|
sala satke hue dimag se mein finally bus pakda ..
bus stop pe kuch "to be scientists" paper discuss kar rahe the.. mera aur bhi satak gaya.. aur ho gaya aadha dimag dukhna shuru.. sala itna shot baitha ki mein bus se ootra to kisi galat stop pe.. aaddhaa rasta chalna pada.. and duper ko sala koi kudi bhi nahi raste pe...
bhukh bhi lagi thi.. koi sala vadapav ka dukan bhi khula nahi tha.. fhir socha last time VT aya tha to mc donalds kidhar toh dekha tha....
finally mil gaya mc donalds..
vaise dekhne jaye toh mc donalds ek harbaree ke zhaadh pe chadhaya hua vada pav ka dukan hai..
andargaya.. chicks hi chicks... bade baap ki bighdi hui betiyaan...(BBBB).. geometrical maal thi sabh..thobhda make up mein dubaya tha..
mc donalds ke ander counter ke samne sabh menu board pe mein 25 Rs ka burger dhoondh raha tha...sala khopche mein dala tha.. fhir meri khopdi fhirse satak gayi socha aaj kuch mehenga khaoonga.. 60 Rs ka chicken mcgrill.. naam hi itna mehenga tha..socha le ke dekhoon
vo counter ke pehle ek aadmi khada rehta hai coupons baatte hue .. kya fhatafhat bolta hai..
goodafternoon sir..welcome to mcdonalds sir what would you like to have sir..sala he sounded like vo bhikhari lok standing when you are in a ticket Q.. mein bola mcgril chicken wala.. aur usko sau ka hara patti dikhaya.. ye soch ke sala mere thombde pe nahi jayee ye..
toh vo bola we dont have it sir.. would you like the maharaja.. .. mein bola nahi be.. maharani nahi hai kya.. and ye bahut costly bhi tha..mein bola ye 25 ka burger de.. vo poora disappoint ho gaya.. bolaa "small burger?".. haan haan small small.. abhi aukaat maat nikal jaldi de..vo bola would you like some cheese sir?.. haan haan daal de cheese chinese japnese batameez.. toh vo kuch paper fhaad ke diya mere ko..
counter pe gaya toh fhir aur ek shuru ho gaya.. goodafternoon sir welcome to... aai shappaath..please stand this side sir.. your order will soon be around.. would you like to get some softdrinks?.. want it parceled or here.. meine restaurant mein aur ek look mara.. kudiyoon ki sankhyaa dekh ke socha abhi toh idhar ich khaoonga..vo aadmi sala record ke mafhik shuru hi tha.. sir have a good day sir.. 35 Rs sir.. heres your 65Rs sir..aila..
sala agar koi atankwadi mc donalds mein burger khane aya toh isko pehla marega.. kitna bolta hai...chapad chapad..ladki mafhiik.. anyway... apun ek corner mein baith gaya.. "chidiyaawatching sweetspot" pe.. dekhte dekhte khaya.. AC ki hava mein ekdum zhakas..
35 Rs well spent .. apart from the chapad chapad..
finally bahar nikal ke socha kuch thanda ho jaye.. jai maharashtra style.. exactly ganne ka juice! 5 Rs mein takatak pyas bhoojh gaya...
vahan se finally station pahooncha.. asangaon train tha.. gardi birdi kuch nahi.. mast khidki ka seat.. samne ek babewa baithi thi.. aur kya chahiye for a dhinchak train ride..
lekin sala mein so gaya.. vo jaam attitude dikha rahi thi.. aur saali bahut ladke lok ko khidki se jhoojh jhookh ke dekh rahi thi..
Finally ghar aagaya.. itna dimag dukhne laga tha.. ki nau ghanta soya.. bocha have mein latka ke.....

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Name Game



After two back to back senseless posts as a result of my anger hormones which acted like a transient entities are now dying out and I am slowly but surely getting back to my usual self..(which is fhaaked up anyways)


Just as a passing thought I had always wondered about "names". To be precise ..Indian names...and mostly guys names..(am not gay..)
I find names of almost every girl, beautiful.. be it champaa or be it chameli..or be it neha.. or raima..or whatever..
But when it comes to a guys name.. I have noticed/observed that there is some click in the girl's behavior when she hears a particular name.

For example names like Rahul, Rohan..Rohit ..(notice the common alphabets, the pronunciation and the amount of time the tip of the tongue spent in tap dancing on the ceiling of the mouth while uttering these names) always have some kind of added positive effect on the girl.

Consider this (imagined) conversation between a group of girls amongst which one of the girl knows some boy named siddharth (oh yea thats another magic name)..

Girl 1: Hey I had a chat with this guy named Siddharth, online.. and guess what?! He resides in the neighborhood town..and we are planning to meet..at the mall..

Girl 2 and 3: Siddharth!!!!! Oh he must be cute... did you see his pic..

Girl 1: Naw!.. I am just too bored these days.. wanted some change ... so decided to meet some new people..

Girl 3: Yeah exactly it wouldn't kill you to meet new people...

Girl 2: Hey can we hangout with you guys?! I would like to meet SID.

Girl 1 : Sure..will call you guys when its decided..

Now same situation but with name like pravin/suresh/ramesh etc etc..

Girl 1: Hey I had a chat online.. with this guy .. I cannot recall his name...
Oh it was something .... suresh.. he is from neighboring town.. so wanted to meet
me...

Girl 2: Suresh..?? eh..

Girl 3 : Sounds like a municipality school drop out.. you shud say no...

Girl 1: Yea I did.. Online chatters are so despo!..

Well .. its something that comes built in in most girls.. they react differently to different names.. and its like guys with those magical names are two levels ahead in this hanging out/dating games.. while guys with the non magical names have to pull out some arsehat tricks to get to the same level.

Just an observation..

Monday, November 10, 2008

Experiment #2 : Asexuality


Nah am not "yet" Asexual.. its just that I am "trying" to be.

Why? Well I am too tired "understanding" the opposite sex.( I am a male,by the way :|) Its too tough and annoying.

They simply act weird and illogical. I mean they are someone who actually flaunt arrogance. They have this misconception that their beauty is something they have achieved by doing hard work (while its their parents who did all the "hard" work.)

I have to think more when talking to them than I think on my exam day. They are one big pain in the arse.

Anyways done with the reasons.. How am I going to commence on this experiment?
Well it looks simple theoretically. When I come across a girl.. I will visualize a very ugly looking "male" in her place. I hate male as a species..so that should be enuff to repel me. Will try this tomorrow till some time and will see if it works..

Two posts in tandem..Yes, I am annoyed.. :|


Concluding Experiment #1.


What happens to the Exp#1? Frankly speaking.. I dunno.


Observations of exp#1:
People aren't straight forward, am not talking orientation wise ..thought wise..
And its really really difficult to know what they think when they dont say it and by some magical way want others to know it.



People mostly dont care about the topic that interests both sides and simply blabber away and expect others to talk the same shyte.



There is no transparency. Democracy is an example of a failed socializing experiment at a large scale.



There is always an abnormal behavior change in a person of a social group when a person of another gender is present.This behavioral change can be so drastic that it can result in the fights equivalent to those seen on NAT GEO wild.This is more dominant in the male species.



The best thing to do when in a social group if one doesnt want a wild scene , is to remain silent.So its anyway equivalent to be not included.



The change of opinion is so fast and totally depends on the dominance of a single entity in that particular group.That single entity can enforce dominance by using money,muscle and very rarely intelect.



People do not like to listen and talk in balance. Its always the listener+talker situation..aka chaos.



Some complain that others have "changed" without knowing that their behavior is the reason for that change.



In the end every one thinks mainly for his/her own good , the social group always comes afterwards.




Conclusion:
Socializing is weird, complex and useless.
I am still trying around that thing a bit but hope for anything better happening with it is falling faster than the BSE sensex.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Experiment #1 : Socializing

A year long break from the academics sounds LONG but looking at the time and the rate it has passed, its been FAST!
I have previously decided to try variety of weird stuff in this duration, one of them being "socializing".
Why that? well I was criticized by almost every one for being "non-social".
Quantum mechanically speaking, if a wave function w.r.t time is used to define my position.. it would be concentrated in my bed room having its maximum amplitude at the bed normal to the plane of the computer screen.

Another thing..an occurrence of the following incident:
Few guests were coming over to my place and on their way (near my locality) heard someone shout my name or atleast a part of it - or thats what they thought..so they went there to check out for me.. but as they went closer to the source they heard some girls giggling pretty loudly..(yea girls in my locality 'giggle' loudly)..
and they receded instantly..why?.. they applied the logic that I cannot be in "such" a place!! I mean WHAT THE FHAAKKH!!
When I told about this to my friend.. and asked him to suggest me something that could change this definition about me.. he suggested me to rape someone.. :|
so when next time those guests come around, they would look for girls "shouting" and screaming..and they would say .. "AH! THERES OUR BOI!!"

I mean seriously I am really bored with the "sabhya"(decent) tag!..
"He is decent".. _|_ fhakh you.

My first experiment with socializing were chatrooms.. where I was able to get rid of the "sabhya" tag and was called "cheap" and et.al.
So it kind of "balanced".

Second experiment being greeting "hello uncle/aunty" to every middle aged personality in my locale.. including the watchmen and the doodhwalas/paperwalas etc..
not the kachrewala.. coz its a wali.. and she gives me a weird look,

a-dont-come-around-me look.
When greeted, some uncles were like " Huh!?.. O.. Hello.. hello... " and they would say to themselves (I bet) .." who the fhaakh is he.. a retard?"..
My hello's being so spontaneous that sometimes I ended up scaring them.

Third:
Conversing with female entity without having the want or any thoughts of having a sexual intercourse.
Cause am the kind of person who follows the phrase :
"Men who do things for women without expecting sex are those who just had sex."
So am trying to change this my "animalistic" attitude.. both offline and online.

Forth coming experiments:
Havent thought much about it..
Lets see how successful these two are.Actually just the second and third one..
The first one is completed and "successful".Also hope that the third experiment doesnt end up with something like a "experimental" hazard like.. getting sprayed with pepper spray or a physical assault.

Socializing, as I now know is a very difficult skill...Hope I can, if not masters.. atleast do a SSC in it.


Monday, August 25, 2008

The kala khatta analogy.

Its almost clear to the readers (if any) .. or atleast to me that any direct or indirect interaction with a "पराई औरत" (stranger female entity) prompts me to write a blog entry.
No, that doesn't mean that number of my blog posts equals the number of my female interactions... Am not in Antarctica nor am I isolated for having bird flu (that would rather increase my interactions assuming most nurses are females, "beautiful ones".)



Keeping the statistics aside..

Its been a "loud" day.. yea songs of "govinda govinda" on the eve of janamashtami - a festival in India glorifying the act of a child stealing "cream" from pots -use google - coming from almost everywhere.

during the nights the streets were full of these "govindas and his gang" to burst the pots for the cream - read millions of bucks.
And yea Djs!!! lots of them.. one DJ per pot aka handi/matki.
some were playing music nicely.. some were simply farting... or was it their speakers.
all in all very loud!


Me and my local buddy almost every year hangout during this time for birdwatching.

Its difficult but it still occurs.A good eye is all it takes.

Finally hanging around the most probable "bird watching" location and hence tiring the eyes and the legs..(I can include other parts too..) we finally ended up at a ice cream parlour.
Usually this places are high end for me.. too much money for what they provide..
but this was the only shop open in that area which offer good edible contents.. other shops open were of paan beedi etc.


This icecream parlour had numerous weird looking machines..

Being curious since birth - yes I asked the nurse at my birth if she was a virgin or not - i questioned the shopkeeper about the "what the fhaakhs" of that machine, all he said was "crushed ice" .. though I heard "fhaaked ice" - too much wax in my ears it seems- but my local buddy - who was still deciding on what to buy- corrected me soon.


That content that came out of that machine and served out in the menu was called as "ice flush" or was it Ice slush. Discussing about the flavors to get we finally settled on kala khatta - I wanted "lime fresh" - but .. nevermind. Kala khatta is a misguided name.. its niether kala nor is it khatta... its purplish.. very dark.. and its sweet..and sour.. all in all it sucks.


Well some chicks ordering along the same queue wearing kaala(black) dresses were HOT!

Only if I could some how know about their "khattaness" :D

Standing there in midst of the entrance of that shop and sipping that flush which looked like grainular sticky thing...and "watching" - you know what.

While discussing the grainularity of that stuff a small voice came from the back.. "Sit".. a lady spoke.

Lady's profile (as you know, this is always important): Mid thirties,short,chubby,cute.


Her husband was standing there hence no MORE data could be extracted from the system.

system being HER.


Accepting her proposal I said "thank you" and sat where she had offered to.

And What the fhaakh! she made me sit near the compressor of the "softy" machine..aka the HEAT vent. She was happily giggling!! My conscience murmured: " Oh you poor deluded bastard"...

How can she be so cruel.. :|
Anyways the place became more hotter when those kala dress girls stood right in front of me.. :D



LONG LIVE BLACK TANK TOPS.



(No that doesnt mean a top with a picture of tank on it, use google if you dont know what they are)

Monday, August 11, 2008

Today..

Well hardly any of these title names bear any relation to the post.


I do try to relate but I digress soon enough. " bhataak jata hoon..easily.."


So.. "Today"... आज ..

Most of my today's are from the time I wake up to the time I fall asleep.
It can be from around 3 hours to like 40 - 45 hours...
But today... that is Today.. I mean August 11th 2008 I woke up at 5:30 AM!!!
After sleeping for 6 hours... This is an achievement for me...similar to bindra winning a Gold medal in Olympics. OK bad comparison. Nevertheless I did celebrate this achievement by treating myself with Nariyal paani (coconut water).. and the malai.. (kernal)..
And ofcourse for not studying at all for like 4 to 5 hours after waking up.
And watching a hindi dubbed Discovery channel program is another way to celebrate...
" ऊष्ण कटिबंधीय इलाको में नर , मादाएं को संबोधित कर के मिलन करता है...ये जीवन का तांडव (WTF!!@ tandav!) ..करोडो सालो से चला आ रहा है॥ " is a treat to the ears..



Anyways, ... to end with I tried to flirt with an old woman( सब्जी वाली ) selling lady fingers , but she showed me the finger... so much for the celebrations..

Afternoon = some studies.. reading..
Evening comes and I venture out in rains on my bicycle...
if its my lucky day.. I get to see drenched female entities. 
If not then they would be wearing rain coats..( what did you think .. I would say drenched male entities!?.. tch tch tch)
Me being supremely unlucky .. I have derived a conclusion based on an observation..
Whenever I study before going out...I happen to see more chicks .. and that too quality chicks!
Today evening was one such day.. yea I studied.. that reading for sometime is studying for me.. well some thing is better than nothing :D

An ultra beautiful girl passes by .. and I could capture her on my photographic memory for future reference. She was in my visual sight for like half a second..And I had to capture each and every photon bouncing off her body .
Information brought by those photons :
1. GREAT GOLDEN BROWN EYES!!
2. Wet hair and her..
3. slim body...
Yep just three things... :(
Those golden brown eyes were glossy .. yea similar to the glossy screens of some gadgets..
All in all she was WOW!!!
I wonder .. How come I never saw her around before.
I need to pay attention..more attention..
May be I should get a camcorder to aid my visuals..
टिल नेक्स्ट टाइम...

Friday, July 25, 2008

Rewind <<

Visiting the memory lane (undergrad college) is a cool thing (if it was fun in the first place). Plus I have my own reasons to visit it. Yep the junior chicks are BABES!.. I dunno how but all the "newer" batches recruited in this field happen to have a good chick to dick ratio, i.e more than 2.
I mean during my undergrad years.. there were some girls whose existence as a "girl" was only confirmed when they were seen visiting a girls toilet. I mean there was NO distinct feature that differentiated them.
OK am exaggerating, but its partially true.

Spending time in the labs was cool... doing stuff on the own.. mastering our manipulating skills to get the observations to match the theory.... watching the spectrum more focused and with excessive interest from the tiny hole in the eyepiece like a teenager watching porno for the first time..(we even managed to watch a porn clip @ lab using convex lens etc..the projector way..)

So it was a fun time in its own way.
And for some reason I think I havent got enuff of it...
Will be paying multiple visits to the college for the same reason, till I get "satisfied".

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Recreating beauty... Impossible.



I saw a picture of some girl... well she sent it to me. Not a complete picture, just her mesmerizing eyes-- made me rethink about "drawing " which I had left like some half a decade back.

Nope, I wasn't any good at it at all..

With this picture at hand I tried to "draw' for the first time after these many years (am trying to tell you that I am a n00b at drawing and hence appreciate my efforts.)

Well while drawing a part of her pic i.e eyes and around..  it was indefinitely difficult. 
Shiviring hands, hunger surges, itchy eyes, unwanted erections etc were some stuff I went through while drawing them.. (I am not using the term sketching.. I don't want to offend the baap people in that field)

Summing it up.. I had a hard time recreating the original... and in the end I did it miserably.. sorry for that.. but my point is, if you have been blessed with the external beauty and if some ugly retard like me "appreciates" it please dont say "I dont want to be known for 'THIS' " or may be .. for example :
ME : " hey you are beautiful"
Beautiful girl : " Yes I know"

Why not say a "thank you " instead :|
Some say "fuck off".. I will take that as a thank you too..

Beauty comes naturally, you haven't done anything for that.. so all the "lucky miss-ies"
Go out.. get admired by the ugly-ies .. by souls like moi... it makes our day (and sometimes night)..

Friday, June 13, 2008

Chatting up results and life.

--Quotes from some random chat session--

brutal1ty:
I saw a girl in the college with excellent eyes on the result day
weird.existence:
Did you comment ?

brutal1ty: all were seeing the list, while I was seeing her eyes filled with mist
psychedelic.feel: lol
weird.existence: What did you say to her? "Your eyes are better than my 73 percent"?
brutal1ty: man seriously they were awesome
psychedelic.feel: brown colored eyes?
brutal1ty: brownish yea.. decorated with an eyeliner...
psychedelic.feel: Hmm
weird.existence: Or did you say "I am more hooked to watching your eyes than the result, even though my parents are waiting back home with a bamboo stick."
brutal1ty: and suited the tone of her face
psychedelic.feel: lol weirdo
weird.existence: (Don't say that ever.. That is self-insulting.. I am just typing for the heck of it..)


--
Brutality is me, the other people involved in the chat session may or may not be fictional.
The girl whose eyes we were discussing about is for real.
I would have loved to get a picture of those wonderful eyes and pair them with my BSc certificate.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Slap or no slap.. Thats the question.

Situation: Me chatting online with a girl who was crazy about some guy's six packs.. which she referred to as "sex" packs..

Variables used : Z = The girl, An Unknown speciMAN = Me
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Z: sex pack abs must be sleeping..
Z: he has to work today.. lol
Z: then i will see him tonight.. or tomo
An Unknown speciMAN: six packs dehydrates the body 10 x faster
Z: really?
An Unknown speciMAN: get a water bottle when you two are performing
An Unknown speciMAN: or he will be dehydrated
Z: performing?
An Unknown speciMAN: you are not gonna
An Unknown speciMAN: ?
Z: what?
An Unknown speciMAN: nevermind
Z: do you think i'm a slut or something?
An Unknown speciMAN: LMAO
Z: forget it
An Unknown speciMAN: where did that come from!
Z's status is now Offline
An Unknown speciMAN: WHAT THE HECK!
------------------------------------------------------------------

My question.. if this was in real life, would I have gotten slapped?

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Mouse in the house.

This tiny thing is visiting my house from no where.
It here since one month now.
All attempts to catch/trap/kill/poison have failed.
I was planning to bring a kitty cat home to do the justice the natural way.
But this one is too small and.... cute little beautiful thing with movable ears and tiny whiskers and small round eyes..

It got itself trapped between the bag and the wooden showcase. I "tried" to kill it by pushing the suitcase on to it...But couldn't do it.. Felt bad.. Released him..
Ahhh fhaakin feelings...



Thursday, March 20, 2008

Holi Crap.

Time, around 6:30PM. Location: Mumbai Suburb ki galiyan.
People returning from their workplaces, thinking about the upcoming holidays.. rather "holi"days, ID, Easter etc.. People from different religions may come together or they may not but the festivals of those religions do come together.

I was lurking around on my bike.. err cycle.. on my daily stroll around the town.
Lurking in a hope to see good looking ladies. Holidays get more of those species on the streets.
And I was having a 'good' time.
Its almost natural to look at the terrace tops of the buildings as the holi day approaches. Yeah..for those dreaded water balloons. And the water inside them is by no means"mineral" water.
Even my urine is cleaner than that thing. **conditions apply.
Anyways, I was passing by some locality, a locality where there is the highest probability density of HAWT girls.

And suddenly * THAAAP*, and * AAAAAAAaa*
and before I could even think that I may have witnessed the first holi balloon victim, I found myself holding a florescent ball--the goldspot ball aka tennis ball--which is much widely used here to play cricket. And this was the "hard" types.

And across the street I could see a lady holding her right eye and sobing.
* Lady's' profile*(always important under any circumstance): short, married, moderate build..her voice..--on the basis of her 'AAAAaaa' and sobbing was sexy (No I am not a saddist). I didnt concentrate on her looks... man she got HIT!!

I approached her after some hesitation...and said "maam..sit down ..maam please sit down.."
but like every other girl whom I have ever approached to talk, she too didn't take any note of my existence. With me others followed, those office going guys.. the roadrunners, the shop lifters, the "where it itches...scratch" type of guys. And ofcourse some more ladies.
One of the ladies from a nearby dispensary literally took the hand off HER eye and doctored her.

And then the culprit, the one who had caused this turmoil arrived at the scene.. He was a teen.. an over grown teenager, no not fat.. some one who had joined the gym as soon as he was born...
He approached her and almost shouted on her.. "tumko laga kya?""paani chahiye kya?"
"vo ball tree ko lagke laga na?"

abee DKBOSE! Interview le raha hai kya!... Like it was the tree's fault!
Some 'uncle' was around scratching his things, eyeing those gathered ladies and gyaaning the overgrown kid... " itne jor se kyon khelte ho" 
And it was a scene..
The damage had been done.. I wondered if that lady cried not for the ball hitting her but thinking about what if that had been a balloon and she would have been the victim of "eye lost due to the impact of water balloon".. and she looked newly married.. the tensions are obvious.. "Bahu ki ek aankh nahi hai, beta tu ddosri shaadi karle" type of tensions.


*Irrelevant Note:: A police man spat on me while I was trying to overtake the police ki gaddi .. I called him an asshole.. and he smiled*

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Exam times, weird thoughts, meaningless dreams.

The climate was monsoon-ish. Hell lot of monsoon-ish.
Indra-devta seena taan ke moot rahe thay dharti par.
Month of July, first week may be, detail mein yaad nahi hai.
I was returning from my new college, which had just commenced its academic hathyakaand on me some days back, on my new avenger, bajaj avenger   (vo feels like god wala bike).


Listening to the news on the radio, not actually the news it was like traffic updates in midst of a chappad chappad of the radio jockeys of Meow 104.8 FM , India's first 'just for women' radio channel. Why was I listening to THAT particular radio frequency? Tune the radio to that frequency on Wednesdays and Thursdays in between 10 PM to 1 AM and LISTEN ;)


They were talking about a high tide and flooding etc in many parts of Mumbai, in other words the rain , the sea and the mumbai island were having an awesome threesome.
Myself,  residing on the ground floor of a residential apartment had much to worry about my newly acquired material possessions: My PS3, the PC , the TV..oh and books.. who could forget those humble friends.


Amongst this worry I was speeding my bike and thinking about the water level rising at my home. Back in 2005, flooding took away my pentium III machine. It was a blessing in disguise, I was bored of that old lady anyway. Saali Roadrash bhi aatak aatak ke chalati thi. But this time it was one HOT chick, the PS3 that I HAD to save from the waters. I could literally hear her screaming for help.
I cruised towards my home at a higher speed.


I was about to pass a moderately flooded part of the Express Highway when suddenly in my field of view there appeared a goddess!! Ah! What beauty! She was wearing a blue skirt and a white top, had curly hair which were weirdly tied upwards. No not in a bun.. like a pony tail but scattered one. Had an awesome face value and way way way too beautiful eyes, and and ..she was accompanied by a kid!?? What the fhaakin fhak..she didn't even seem eighteen, at most nineteen!! most girls in this era of this age don't have children!! but one never know, she may turn out to be the"santoor" mummy but she seemed ..... well.. too young for that too.
And the child she had with her didn't look like her child at all.
He/she was dark, had very very bad looking hair, hardly wore any clothes - though this isn't a qualifying point anymore between the rich and the poor. But I was certain that child wasn't her's.
But then she could be wanna be Angelina jolie, jo bhi bacchaa samne aya godh mein ootha lo..


She had a worrying face, she looked like she was in trouble.
My masculine mind sprang up and screamed: SHOW TIME!!
(Yes masculine 'mind', not masculine 'part'.. so the springing up shouldn't be taken literally)
I got those wheels rolling towards her, but then just when I was 'this' close to her, a car drove towards her and stopped.
A guy in ganji and jeans .. muscles etc boleh toh ek dum takatak ladka stepped out of the car.
I thought ye bhi hooked booked and may be cooked girl hai but then the convo between them seemed like a rather "stranger to stranger" conversation..with that said she sat into his car with the kid and they drove away...
At that moment I was cursing my bajaj avenger..muttering "feel like god?? ghanta.. I was feeling more like an asshole right now.."
Opportunity Gone. In Merc E Class.
I was back to the no show time world and tried to focus on my primary babe, the PS3.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Virtually imagined meet.


Occasion: My birthday.
Venue(s) : Respective homes/Local chinese shop.
Time : 10 : 30 PM IST.

Her: How was your birthday?
Me: Nothing much, had no food for lunch and may not have for my dinner.
Her: whyyyyyyyyyyy!!!
Me: Fought with mom....
Her: Why is that..
Me: You don't need any reason to fight with mom. Any random stoopid reason is enough.
Her: Did you had any snack?
Me: Yes two bananas....
Her: Big ones ?
Me: huh?!
Her: Chota ki bada?
Me: You are giving me weird thoughts.
Her: You are hopeless.
Me: =/
Her: Come over to my house and have some thing.
Me: Rather lets go to some place, to eat that is..
Her: OK, but where?
Me: Zhunka bhakhri kendra , I have enuff money for that.
Her: Shut up.
Me: Do you like chinese?
Her: Hmmmmm ..
Me: Don't think to so much.. chinese as in food .. not the people.
Her: Ofcourse!! you are dumb!
Me: You should enlist all the adjectives and spray them on me at once, than coming up with a new one every now and then.
Her: Never mind.Lets go to a chinese place.
Me: OK, I like anything that has chicken. Be it the one wid flu, I'll put in some vicks action 500 and consume it.
Her: Come on!! stop being pedantic.
Me: I don't even know the meaning of that word.
Her: And we will be eating veg chinese.
Me: WHAT!!!
Her: No arguments.
Me: And I thought it was my birthday. OK, whatever you say heirness.

[Untill she explains me the exact meaning of pedantic and till I understand it, we reach the Chinese restaurant, "veg "Chinese restaurant :( ]

[The restaurant is crowded and we are told to wait, I observe the chick density in the restaurant, meanwhile the chick accompanying me doffs her coat.. and I stop watching 'other' chicks.. and keep watching her...and keep watch on her..]

[Finally we get a seat, dirty one.. sabh kachra of previous customers.. the uncleaned tables are like orkut scrap book.. you can infer many things about the entities sitting there by looking at the dropped food contents...I wont go on explaining how.. the priority here is "her"]

Me: Ah theres the menu card... Bleh..all I see is the word "veg" prefixed to almost everything.. veg noodles, veg rice veg coke veg pepsi veg paani, do one thing you order.
Her: OK.
Me: *mumbles* hope this wont be costly
Her: No it wouldn't be!
Me: Waiter uncle!!!! idhar aaoo!
Her: UNCLE!???!
Waiter(uncle): bolo kya chahiye...
Me: swacha paani... this water on the table is of previous user.
Her: 2 veg hakka noodles and 2 manchurians.. let one be dry.
(I keep looking at her.. she is HOT!!!)

[the waiter brings our order in seconds.. thats the best reason for bringing a girl.. your priority increases.]

Me: I see leaves.Lots of leaves.
Her: This Manchurian isnt dry. What is this!
Me: Thats the price you pay for coming with me.
Her: Don't you think this is too much food for two of us?
Me: OK.. let me send your order back and we will share mine.. all you have to do is to dry the manchurians just take it out from my gravy.. and shake it.. centrifugal force at your service.
Her: nah am OK with this.
Me: am not.. I feel like a OX munching on grass.. a thin OX though.
Her: I had some food before, I dunno if I could finish this off.
Me: We must ask those two pretty ladies sitting on that seat to join us. They will feast our extra food.. and my eyes will feast on them.
Her: shut up, pervert-monkey.
Me: Am dreaming about chicken.
Her: There is a chicken shop around the corner.. bring one...
Me: No today is some ganapati thingie...lord ganesha...I wonder why does he have so many days in the month...why ain't our gods non-vegetarians.
Her: Coz they are gods..
Me: Thes manchurian looks like served as a dahej with noodles, bhikh ke naam pe diya hua lagta hai.
Her: Are you gonna throw all of it?
Me: I dunno.... it tastes weirdly sweet... like jaggeree .
Her: Is that water OK?
Me: It has some thin film of some stuff over it..
Her: You are gross...
Me: Get a pepsi.. dil mange more, saale hai lekin ek number ke chor..
Her: I dislike softdrinks..I used to like them once..
Me: Why what traumatizing experience did you have with it then.. found a thin film over it?
Her: You are infinitely disgusting....Waiter.. 2 pepsi dena.. straw maat dalna.

[some one around has a high end fone which rings...]
Me: I've observed that the people with high end mobiles will let the fone ring for atleast 10 seconds before picking it up..
Her: huh!??
Me: Yes.. they will let it ring.. and look around if some ones looking at them.. and then pick it up even if its from "aap ko job chahiye" type of call.
Her: I feel like going to goa.
Me: My parents have already asked me about goa.. but parents and GOA!!!...

That's like sitting with Osama bin laden in Boeing 747. You never know when your 'sh!ts' gonna 'blow up'.. if you know what I mean ;)
Her: Retard!
Me: You changed the topic from mobile to goa...you dont look tech savy..
Her: Correct!!..
Me: Though you are a tremendously fast eating, good looking, hot girl.

[she was almost done.. and i had barely touched the munchurian.. i was simply looking at the munchurian..]

Her: Eat it!...
Me: It looks gay..
Her: ahh.. am full..
Me: I am done with the noodles.. the bowl has all the leaves remaining.... can we get parcel of the remaining food?
Her: May be...
Waiter(uncle): aur kuch?
Me: You guys must join, have some munchurian.. its my birthday..
Her: shut up...
Her: (to the waiter)bass...

[waiter(uncle) makes the bill while I am still looking at the munchurian]

Me: Iska parcel banake milega?
Waiter(uncle): haan, manchurian ka?... haan..
[he takes it away.. finally!!]

Me: I will feed the street dogs .. that thing.
Her: You are boring...awefully boring..
Me: Ok you want me to feed that to the cats?!

[waiter brings the bill and the toxic manchurian]

[she reads the bill.. and makes action with her hand ...saying five..]
Me: FIVE FUKIN HUNDERED!!!??
Her: no!.. one fifty...
Me: if it would have been five hundered..I would have made the waiter eat that munchurian..

[she puts the coat back on.. the view is off]
[
we move out of the shop.. I ask her if she wants paan.. The banaras wala.. .. she looks at me with weird nazar..]



Manchuriaan ne mera maan chur chur kar diya...



-- will be edited wherever and when ever necessary--all rights reserved with her--

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Things on the Hard Drive of my brain. Scan one.

One:
Why does the interest to study goes away when the exams approach.
And why the question paper has to be "ratta" (by heart) based.

Second:
Top rankers of previous year and even this year asked me to study for around 14 hours at one go for the exams. I happen to study for 45 minutes .. maximum at one go. That too when I am not horny.
They even suggested me to pen down every thing from the Preface to the book's index of every subject. Ofcourse he was bloody exaggerating. But seriously, Double You Tee Eff!
How in this world they study so long....! Are they under some spell!?

Third:
Why do relatives have to interfere with my academics saying things like "At least get 60% or we will not be able to show our face to the world"...
Retards.

Fourth:
Why do some (most) girls I encounter are filled with weird attitude...
Or is it that they misunderstand attitude .. with being.. rude?

Fifth:
Why don't people listen?

Sixth:
Why isn't the sex ratio of this world equal...

Seventh:
Searching... Hard disk failure.. will regain search after a short break.. stay tuned.