Monday, December 27, 2010

I wish, that I couldn't wish.

I wonder what part of our mind drools and wonders....about the "what if" factor..
Or the "I wish..." factor...
Mind is a giant simulating machine. It simulates as much it can.. You can just watch something interesting, and your brain would figure out all possible outcomes you may have after interacting with that "something".. right or wrong doesnt matter.

And am not talking about the generic "wishes".. not those fat ass santaclaustic wishes.Something profound..something on the lines of  " One man's food is another man's poison " kind of wishes. Those wishes you think of  .. colloquially speaking ..' from deep down of your heart ' but then you suppress those wishes thinking.. 'OMG! how the hell can I think of something like that!?'...

Generated from the most ancient part of the brain (this is what I think).. they may be mostly about the most basic desires. They may ignite a tiny spark in your mind which when fanned by your thinking brain may lit a huge ass flame.. aka burning desire.
Most of these wishes should never be brought out to the real world. Thoughts .. not all but most of them must be locked safe in the securities of the non-verbal speech. Coz not all thoughts are worth sharing, and no one in this world is trustworthy enough to share them with.

Well all said and done.. I have decided to unlock and reveal some of my
"I wish" - es.. Why? Coz I am stupid and so are these wishes.
And injecting a bit of stupidity in this profoundly stupid world is of negligible value anyways...

I wish....

That I did not get jealous and insecure every time she mentioned anything pertaining to any other guy..

That I want to be someones first.. and probably someones last..

That I want my first kiss be hers first first love to be hers first too..

That I did not feel guilty while being with her,  thinking in my mind that she may not be the one... and I am wasting my time and energy here.

That I could make a definite decisions of certain things rather than living in an uncertainty...

That I did not fear hurting people.

That I was a bit more selfish.

That my 'feelings' center in my brain shuts down completely.

That I could trust people...

etc etc...

These are actually wishes that my mind strongly feels about.. I dunno why.. Its ridiculous... or is it :/ 

Friday, December 24, 2010

Observing the Observer

Event A: Hunger forced me to eat out at a shady junk food joint in a very elite area of bombay. (The area is so elite that even the cabs there are mostly logans...)

Event B: I ordered a sandwich and sat along side on a semi-broken stool .. watching people and the infrastructure around .. and wondered the fhaakity fhakh did these people get so much money!?

Event C: Two really really hawt chicks arrive at the same fast food stall.. and they are wearing really really short shorts.. like the shortest version of shorts...
I mean if 'short' was a person.. even it would go .." Thats short!.. and it aint me"

Event D: They were standing really close to me.. ( not that I intentionally positioned myself like that... but the space limitation around that stall made them forcibly stand this close...) ( But thats the case with most of the girls I have interacted with.. its always some or the other constrain... *sigh* ) .. But they were standing too close to me.. I mean the bacteria on our skin could communicate with each other.. kind of close...

Event E: I decided to ignore looking at them completely.. except "those" accidental looks.. Coz if I did .. .. I better not say what would have know.. Natural reactions... 

Event F: I started noticing few interesting things.. well interesting to me atleast..
I mean anything looks interesting if you wanna prevent a flag hoisting ceremony in your pants.

Lets say that.. generally those chicks would have been  the primary system, me being the primary observer.. and rest of the world being the surroundings..
Now since I intentionally tried to have an  anti-straight, anti-pervert mentality about this whole situation.. I saw some difference..
The surrounding became the primary system.. and also a secondary observer.. while I stayed an primary observer.. while the shortened shorts chicks became the secondary system. One might say...I started looking at them, indirectly..

Event G: As I looked around.. I saw people looking at these shorty pants with amazement.. and when I say people.. I meant every one of them.. from 15 to 50.. from their BMWs and AUDIs to cabs and Buses.. with a stare.. a really glaring stare. " oooo I wanna tap that shorts" kind of stare..  Even some chicks stared.. but their stare was more like " Ah I wish I had a booty like that.. with such non hairy long legs.."
But thats just my perception of their stare.. it was an elite locality.. so lesbianism cannot be ruled out.

To get another idea of how hot those chicks were.. , the guy who was selling the junk food started singing justin bieber's Baby Baby.. in an Indian accent ofcourse..  He made justin sound like himesh reshamiya.. ( an improved variant ).
Then he DJed it with some bhojpuri track .. with extremely sultry lyrics.... 

If I come across ( not in the double meaning sense ) any such a shorty pants.. whom I knew personally.. I dont think I would control myself from uttering..
" Holy crap thats short!.. but oooooooooooo wowie  " * drools* O_O

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Experimentally yours.

                                         Disclaimer: Sadistic post ahead.                                                                               

Firefox Browser,
Ubuntu 10.04 LTS.
December 8, 2010.

 Dear all Xs and Ys,

             How are you all? Well this standard question has been the initiation of almost all conversations we have ever had or we are currently having or I may have with other Xs and Ys in future. There would be some exceptions with this format though.. some conversations may have began with " hey sexy ".. or similar derivatives of that...

            I have been a "nice guy", atleast relative to the social norms, to most of the X's and Y's and most of you have been nice to me, though your niceness was according to my norms, which may or may not be nice according to the social ones. From your dress styles to your lingerie colors..from your first kiss experience to your first fuck experience...I have been an indirect witness, like an audience who listens to a recorded telecast of a cricket match that took place ages back...Mind you such an audience are very few in number, almost all prefer a live telecast.
To summarize, most of you have told me everything about yourselves, not that I remember everything.. but on an average.. yes I do.

             But there is an inbuilt problem with such kind of interaction. You all kind of start taking me for granted. This "taking me for granted" would have been cool if I was a genetically engineered stoic Artificial Intelligence.  Though I tried to be so, and for a larger part, I am so.

            Statistically speaking, ( I can, due to the large number of Xs and Ys ) if one analyses the time of the month when you all text me " I miss you "..or " I wanna talk to you ".. etc etc as in .. the time of the month when you want to interact with me.. approximately matches the " your time of the month ".. 
How do I know it? Coz you all told me that too!
So however you tag the relationship between me and you, I am merely your emotional tampon. In other words, just friends. Though it definitely doesn't start like that, or may be it does.. and I was too naive back then to notice.
             But given that I am not a robot, I would too have an emotional feedback.
As in a response to your blabber. And such a response is very high when there is a mention of  " that other guy ". This is common with the Xs and Ys with loads of baggage of relationships from the past. Or sometimes even the current ones, you know "crush" types. And having a crush on an actor is not equivalent to having a crush on the guy next door. Even a blunt statement like " I like him " can trigger an immense emotional feedback from my limbic system, something I always suppressed/controlled. Not anymore, or atleast I do not want to anymore...Any such abrupt emotional feedback from my side, may end up in me being stupid, which for a major part I am, atleast when it comes to relationships.

              Anyhow, thank you for providing me with such a learning opportunity.

I was and always will be ...
                                                                                            Xperimentally Yours