Saturday, December 10, 2011

Losing your best friend hurts more than losing your girlfriend.
But it hurts way more if they were one and the same person.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Stalk Exchange

Me: yo man! whaadddup!
MeraDehatiDost(MDD): Nothing much...
Me: Dude do you remember that hot but short chick from college..the one that took comp science.. 
MDD: Who?
Me: dude there were just four girls in a class of 120.. and she was the only short one amongst them... you should be able to recall just like that..
MDD: Hmm.. Samiksha..
Me: you effin "Know" her by name? :O
MDD: Anisha..
Me: =/
MDD: Ashlesha..
Me: dude.. uske teen naam hai? teri itni jaan pehechan hoi gayi usse?
MDD: Anamika! Anamika Patel.
Me: 4th name.. or are you naming those four girls?
MDD: Nah just confused about her name.. she isnt on my FB friend's list..
Me: Why is she not in your FB.. you have 99.99% of the college junta on your FB.. even the lab assistant's teenage daughter is on your FB.. why isnt Anamika! I came to you with so much hope!
MDD:  sorry to disappoint you jhandfhakir ..  she is amongst those unlucky 0.01%...Though last time I met her was back in 2009...wished her 'happy new year'.
Me: =/ She remembered you?
MDD: yes..
Me: Mereko kya ghanta pehechanegi.. =( Anyhow.. I saw her... few days back.... near the MG90 road.. nariyal paniwala baithta hai na udhar.. leherake balkhake ja rahi thi...
She is too cute to be ignored...
MDD: She is short..
Me: her cuteness over-rides her shortness..
MDD: True.. many guys had crush on her.. even our organic chem lecturer..
Me: Who? Dholya? or papaji?
MDD: papaji.. he had a thing for gujju chicks...
Me: Must be fed up of punju kudis and their moustaches :p
MDD: ={
Me: Ha!.. Anyways.. I wish I had done something back then in college to get noticed..
MDD: You almost blew up the chem lab and papaji with it..
Me: Bade bade labs mein aisi choti choti batein hoti rehti hai :p
MDD: Amen.
Me: Where does she stay.. any idea? I feel like stalking her in my spare time.. 
MDD: Stalking online?
Me: No. In real spacetime.
MDD: Ah ol' school style..
Me: ol' school?
MDD: yea when you used to stalk lil girls on your BMX cycle..
ME: Oh yea good old days..
MDD: Pedo sala..
Me: What! no! that was when I was little!
MDD:Not as little as one wants you to be for a non-pedo classification.
Me: -.-
MDD: you were a born pedo..
ME: WTF? That isn't even logically sound!
MDD: Yes you flirted with ovaries and 1 month old fetuses when you were born.
Me: -.- Alright stop!
MDD: You masturbated to the ultrasound pictures of other babies in the wombs when you were in the hospital ward.
Me: =/ So I was saying... Do you know where she stays? or works? or studies?

MDD: Don't know.. do you have enuff money to please any girl?
Me: i dont have enuff money to please myself.. why do you ask.. is she THAT kind of a girl?
MDD: No, but she is gujju.. you need to have a biznesh to stand any chance of hitting on her..
Me: I dont wanna hit on her... just stalk her..  statistically.. without her knowing it.. and then email her all the details about herself  and creep her out... 
MDD: Heartbreak has fhaked your brainsystem completely.
Me: =/

--- 3 Deen Baad ---

Me: Dude I have this intrinsic urge to find her.. I drink nariyal pani every fhakin day so as to have a higher chance to see her again.. in that area..
MDD: Happens.. hormonal imbalances can fuk your logical reasoning.
Me: No man.. now stalking her is the only motive i have when i go outside... chagaya hai mere mein.. ekdumse
MDD: =/ I will pray for you.
Me: She is so impossible to find! I even repaired my cycle for this endeavor. No luck yet.

--- Ek Hafhte Baad ---

Me: DUDE!!! I SAW HER!!! 
MDD: Did you talk to her?
Me: Are you kidding me? you do know how much meri fhatti hai.
MDD: Akele chennai jake teri item ko milke aya tab nahi fhati thi kya be?
Me: voh baat alag thi..also.. she aint an item =/
MDD: _|_
Me: Anyhow.. does this shortie reside in Daffodil Plaza!?
MDD: Yes.. she did tell me that when we last met..
Me: why did you not fhakin tell me then! =/
MDD: Your desperation was entertaining.. I was taking full on mazzaa from it ;)
Me: Bokadchod kahinka..

---2 Hafhte Baad---

Me: mapping her sightings around daffodils plaza , i have a rough idea of her daily routine...she is pretty timid creature... kisi choray ke saath aabtak dekha nahi isko..
MDD: yea she is soni kudi.. but a shortie..
Me: get over it man.

--MDD goes into online hibernation, stalking developments aren't reported to him.---
 --- Meanwhile, my 'relationship' with the shortie isn't that of a stalker any more. ---
                                                 --- Ek Mahine Baad ---

MDD: so any progress...
Me: an awful lot.. we are now 'friends'... =/
MDD: wow.. I dont even wanna know...also why the quotation marks..
Me: coz she confronted me... and said those three magic words..
MDD:Which ones? " Stop stalking me?" :p
Me: =/No.. She said .. I love you.. 
MDD: What the hell...You are fhaking kidding me..
Me: No man serious!!
MDD: but itnay jaldi.. in a month!?What did you do to/for her.. bokadchod~!?
Me: nothing! Kasam se! I wasnt even friendly with her...
MDD: She is on drugs or PMS or combo. How did she? I mean what did she say...
Me: You know.. the typical girly shit .. third order stress derivative on the word "like"..
MDD: What do you mean?
Me:  the " i really like you" crap.. and its variants..
MDD: So she likes you.. it doesnt mean she..
Me: Abe gende sun toh sahi..From my previous experience I have learned to ask and clarify that shit, so I asked her right away ..what exactly does she mean by " i really like you".. she still went on with .. " I REALLY like you" with stress on really.. as if she was constipating.. but politely...
MDD: I will try that mannered constipation before going to the loo tomorrow but from what ever she still doesnt still imply that she....
Me: Chup!.. pura sun.. I have not completed it ...
MDD: Yea.. go on..
Me: So I went on and did a seedhi baat and asked her... " Does that mean generic sense.. that you love me?"
Me: She kept quiet... we walked like that for a while..
MDD: Cut the dramatic crapshit and temme the end result you geelicunt.
Me: And then we entered a quieter and lonelier lane.
MDD: See you are still at are redundantly gay..
Me: There she said 'yes' looking down at the road...
MDD: Muzhe ek bata , tu itna drama kyon ghusa raha hai teri story mein? You may be gay.. I am not...
Me: Dude she is the first chick that has said ' i love you' to me in real!!! like in physical reality!! No computers involved... My braincells would remember every bit and piece of such an event..
MDD: Fine gaylord.. so what did you say..
Me: I stopped and looked at her... and she...
MDD: NOOOOOOO bhosdikeee... just TO THE POINT bata zhandu balm ki 6th aulad~ you can describe this event on your blog in your typical gaytone.. not with me..
Me:  =/  I said.. "I like you too but I dont .. you know..."
MDD: Tera dimag toh sahi hai na? Mana ki she is a bit tingu and all.. but fhakh dude she is super duper hawt~! how can you fhakin.. what the fhakh is wrong with you bokadchod!?
Me: Nothing..
MDD: Do i need to remind you that you dont really have a face to make chicks fall in "love" with you.. so jo bhi milraha hai usko haan bol zhandkhor...
Me: =/
MDD: is it coz of that chennai ki idli chatney?  O_o
Me: WTF? =/
MDD: So it is bcoz of her...  great! tu 21st century ka newton banega.. aur virgin marega...

Monday, November 07, 2011

An Incomplete Account of an Incomplete Journey

The following "write-up" is from my so called 'diary' that I had chosen to write on the train on my way to chennai. Which when finished would be given to 'her'..
The diary remained incomplete.. So did the relationship.
I found the diary as I was cleaning my travel bag, as I was getting ready for another 
26+ hours train journey..      

This time for physics.
Anyhow.. here it is..

So after a long wait & a series of weird feelings for over a month or so, I am finally in this "express" train to chennai for you.

Your phone call just before the commencement of the journey was like a good omen, so I am hopping that this train doesn't crash and burn on the way. But given the record of accidents on this route, you never know.

I have made some stuff for you,which took some finite force x distance to carry around which got me wet from sweat.. much more than you ever could get.. Not *just* by sweat in your case :p

My built in chick detector became active as I entered the railway station where I was supposed to board this so called "express" train. But as soon as I approached the coach.. the continuous 'andu gundu thanda pani..' , The 'aayeeyos and aammaaas' turned it off.

Interestingly, I met a Vietnamese dude.. with a full on chinki look.. you know .. the slit eyes and all that with a stance which screams 'Heee Haaa!! Haeeyaa!'
He approached me, since I have a " I am a very amiable guy " sign on my face..

His angreezi was un-understandable, but I think the feeling was mutual.There were numerous chinki jokes going through my mind that I couldnt stop smiling. He perceived it as my amiability's higher feature and asked me to look after his luggage. =/

The train's announcement was made, I boarded it while my eyes instantaneously locked on a gujju chick. But soon detected the presence of a humongous male (her father) besides her and the chick detector underwent segmentation fault.

Trying to find comfort on the window seat of Indian railways, I was bothered by this tamil kudi, who looked like she was 'born and brought up in mumbai'. She asked me to get up and change seats, as I was sitting on the wrong one.. I obeyed without even checking her claim. Her way of querying and claiming would have made any feminist proud. She was high on nari shakti. Her deterministic gesture was more than enough to get me moving even before she completed that gesture.. She probably patted herself on her back thinking "ek mard ko aapne isharon pe nachaya". She left the coach, since she was here to drop her granpa who sat right in front of me.
Non-estrogen-al chick environment se coach mein mayusi cha gayi.

The train started to move its arse at around 8:40 PM ever so slowly.. like nayee naveli dulhan, matka matka ke.
The 'mighty' WDP4 engine tried to justify its 'Express' tag as it picked up speed.
I tied my overly sweat drenched T-shirt to the window rails to dry without considering how many people might have spat and puked there.

The train whizzed past my home-railway-station..I smiled... I felt like it wished me "best luck".. As the train moved outta the city lights got replaced by lights from factories.. concrete jungles by broken mountain ranges..

All advices from home about strangers and bahar ka khana, fell flat on their faces as my mouth went "mmmmmm" to the smell of biryani.. So I ended up asking this railway pantry car guy if he had the chicken biryani..  He said .. he doesn't, but can make one just for me.
Abhi isne "attithee devo bhava" itna seriously le liya toh, how could I not have that biryani!

The biryani was brought.. it was tasteless..

Friday, October 07, 2011

That Late Night Chat

Me:  If I had money, and that I promised to give you a laptop, would you have married me?

Boom:  It has to be a vaio..white one, otherwise..sorry but no :p

Me:  Lol! What about Alienware!

Boom Well..I can think abt it.

Me:  About Alienware vs Sony vaio? :O
Damn you have offended me!
No marriage! 

Boom:  But we can live in, for the price of an Alienware.

Me: LOL! Does that include any fine prints, clauses? Like,"No sex"

Boom: If you buy me that 35USD tablet, you can touch my hands.

Me: LOL! I so knew it!

Boom:  It will be an open relationship.You can see the girls you want.

Me:  That actually translates to, "I will be seeing other guys". 
Reciprocity is just to make me feel better, isn't it? 
Anyhow, So if I buy you a 35USD tablet, I can "have" your hands?

Boom:  Yes, and I'll let you walk beside me.

Me:  So I can make your hands do whatever I want them to do? *winks*

Boom:  + 16 gb pendrive = handjob 


Boom:  Tech whore 

Me:  * Gives laly a Western Digital USB3.0 1TB HDD *
say aaaaaaaaaaa 

Boom: hahahaha 

Note: Boom/Laly is an awesome friend of mine, with enormous boobs.
Sorry laly I HAD to say it :p

Monday, October 03, 2011

Today's What The Fhaks.

One of my 'well-wisher' has asked/ordered/requested me to stop masturbating till my exams.

I don't understand the use of "captcha" in porn sites. Are they afraid of robots watching porn? Its fhakin ridiculous and its fhakin difficult to type that sh!t with one hand..That too left hand (depends though)

Pornsite: "Type the following words in the box given below"
Me: Sh!t..  where are the F*@#Kin words...
*the words load a time t after the box shows up*
Me: Ah!! Fhakh.. what is that! an e or a c!!!... kya chutiyapa hai ye!
*types... rather punches with my index finger*
Pornsite: "Incorrect"

In some captchas, the words don't mean anything.. they are just some random jibberish.. Have you tried actually pronouncing the words in such captchas? If not try it..You may invent an unheard abuse.

Some guy in South America died of masturbating 42 times. He was found dead in his bathtub..with one hand on his joystick... I wonder who counted. A Brazilian girl in the physics chatroom posted a link about this news and challenged every one of us there to beat his record and in process test the theory of the possibility of actually masturbating for more than 3 times... 3 guys agreed. I am one of them. But since it is in contradiction with my well-wishers request, I am reconsidering the acceptance of the challenge.

I watched cat videos on youtube for 2 hours straight. Those cute lil things fhakin get you hooked if you lack other sources of cuteness.

My mind is in some kind of memory iterative mode. It is playing all the scenes of my ex-relationship like a movie. Back to back. Looping. From how much fun I have, to how much I sleep is dictated by the number of events that remind me of her. I am wondering if this can be put to any practical use. Tune my brain to have nightmares about her/relationship at a precise self-adjustable time. That will work like an alarm clock.

I am unblocking everyone whom I have ever blocked on my messengers just to read their status messages.

For some weird reason I think about cricket when I am sitting on the potty.

I hate the fact that my computer doesn't let me win even one game of chess that I play against it Where as my Nokia E5 does, almost always...

I was supposed to write a post about something else.. but ended up whining.
And no whining is complete unless and until you whine about exams!
Bombay uni has declared the Molestation day to be Oct 14.

Anyhoe..All in all I had a pretty boring International peace day.. or whatever its called.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

This Or That

Life is part chance and part choice. Both are interdependent.
Sometimes interlinked.
Your life, at the end of it all, the way it turns out to be, depends on a ratio. A chance to choice ratio. How much of it was dictated by chance & how much by choice.

Some, in their life, choose to move on, some choose to move in. Some choose to settle down, some choose to remain dynamic.
Its always easier to take a painkiller to relieve a migraine and move on, than to suffer from it, study its symptoms, understand it and cure it completely.
If given a choice, easier ones... less difficult ones are primarily sought.
This can be extrapolated to the primitive " Flight or Fight" choice.
Moving on is easier than moving in. Settling down is easier than staying dynamic.

The intricacies of choosing and choosing randomly increase when one considers "good/bad luck" or "good/bad choice".
Bad luck/choice is associated with failures while good luck/choice is associated with success.

Chance/luck comes to everyone, it is as common as air.
Choice on other hand is rare. Can be thought of as a luxury. 
Being born in a filthy rich family is by chance. Eradicating all the richness, living in austerity to attain enlightenment is by choice. (Yes an extreme example of Buddha, but you know what I mean.)

According to a new NOKIA ad, a chubbilicious rich chick in minimalistic clothing, due to her 'austere' lifestyle ..needs to get online with her peers to consult in real time about the choices she makes. One of which is a life changing choice, what colored shoes should she wear? Red or green, green or red.. ah purple!
In the sub-sahara africa, there is probably a kid in minimalistic clothing too, almost naked though..who is making a similar choice. May be not as life changing as the nokia chick, but a life ending one for sure. And no it wouldn't be about shoes, coz he wouldn't have any to begin with.

Has "pampering", "having a good time", "having fun", "looking good" gone way beyond a threshold? Is the "I don't care" attitude taking a toll on you being a human? 
What you "want" and what you "like" is it based on your choice or advertiser's?
Are they manipulating your wishes, your choices?
It was by chance that you came across their ad about their product, but its by choice that you'd choose to buy it. Interestingly, they devise the ad so cleverly that they brainwash you to buy their product.

Your today is a product of your choices and your chances in the past,
your tomorrow will be the product of the choices and your chances of the present.
Power to choose, comes to a very few. 

When given a chance, don't guess, choose.
Coz if you don't, someone else would impose their choice upon you.

Dare to choose.
Doesn't matter if its right or wrong...
Making a wrong choice = Process of learning.
Making a right choice = Don't worry, you won't get that lucky ;)

Should the ones with the power to choose not care about the ones without it?
If your answer is "No, why should we?" Then you are that Nokia ad's chick. Wear black stilettos for today evening. ;)

So would you choose to follow the trend.. i.e just go with the flow or try and change the course of the flow altogether?

(Note: 'you' here = me, I blog about myself and then read it, its like parallel process accompanied with the normal 'thinking' process aka being jobless.)

Thursday, September 22, 2011


Relatively old drafted post:
Posting this blogpost from my beloved nokia E5. Editing paragraphs etc, may not turn up the right way. If you swear against my nokia E5, your 73rd generation of kids will have one testicle and/or 3 tits.

Technically, my life as of now is considerably fhaked. People to be blamed are, ofcourse..
I, me,myself, bombay university and 'others'.

Striking a social balance has been a fundamental stuff happening to me.. Gaining a good relationship, gaining a bad friendship, losing a good relationship, losing a bad friendship..all of it occurring in a cycle...

It is fascinating how some people spend years wanting to 'know' you, but never quite understand you. Some seek to know you quickly and end up misunderstanding you... While some seek nothing, but end up knowing as well as understanding you completely within a matter of days.

Strangers will make you say 'oi, thats strange'. Avengers will wait for their turn to avenge.. Scavengers stroll around you for their opportunity to scavenge... Is there really any point to wait anticipating a revenge?

Chanakya once said... Selfishness is a major parameter for friendship. I am still trying to understand what exactly that half naked baldie with a ponytail meant. May be the more of 'others' I encounter... the meaning will clarify itself.
Also..I may turn into a communist for a change.

Any comments posted against my nokia E5 will be subject to termination.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

But in the end it doesn't even matter..

Bombay University's bureaucracy, a so called friend's "friendship" and a 'loving' 'relationship' seems to have so many
features in common, that all of them decided to mentally annihilate me at the same time. Though some time has elapsed since then..its some 'blast' I have from my past.. Whenever I think about it, I involuntarily hum Linkin Park's 'In the End' .. Interestingly, my mind thinks about all of the three with equal weight, and often together. Trying to relate.. one with other, kind of metaphorically. If one's life's "happy" state could be described by a graph.. mine would be like this for
time(t) > Diwali 2010. (Obviously not to scale!, this is a friggin blog, not wolfram alpha mathematica).


Tuesday, September 06, 2011

What changed?

Everything.. well almost.
An addiction lost. Though still craved for.
A void formed. Though being filled by so many other things. It still remains.
Move on? Sure. Where to?

Probably its just the rant of a noobish mind. The inertia of a fresher.
The resistance to 'move on' of untrained neurons. The whole idea of missing someone or something pertaining to someone is pretty new to these neurons,
like a condom - in its prototype form, introduced for the first time to a group of men.

" Alright guys, you get to hump that young lady over thay-yer, but by wearing this on your ding dong..."

" Wtf is this sh!T"

"Now now.. its not sh!t, its a sheet.. it will not get her pregnant.. will make you feel a little bit less at home (if you haven't been there before already don't you worry) and it would entrap and kill over a 100 million of you... "

" Sounds.. Bad..but do I still get to put my ding dong in her ting tong?"

" Ah yes you do.., albeit with this sheet.."

" Thats dry humping of some weird level... alright I'll wear it"

I think I got digressed..  argh nevermind...

Thursday, September 01, 2011

The opposite of "I love you" is not "I hate you", 

its "I'm over you"

& it hurts...big time.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Intellectual Balatkari

Have you ever been patronized by someone you least expected to be patronized by? Also the patronizing isn't insulting, but hurtful. It isnt aimed at you to be insulting, there is no "mutually personal" motive, no personal feud. You are getting patronized not for the lack of knowledge, not coz you know less "English" words, not coz that other person has 'memorized' more crap than you have.. Memorizing.. which includes dumping a lot of textual content.. which may include zillions of words English words.. medical terms ..  procedures of doing something again and again.. in your memory with no sign of creativity. This isn't learning and patronizing on that basis is stupid and I am not talking about that.

Event: Nanophysics poster presentation.
Location: A large hall with two doors (read escape routes), and 7 windows.. (read suicide routes)
Subject: A Ph.D student of Physics from IIT Kharagpur. She was hot.. comparatively..
Target: Everyone, who was presenting a poster.

First blood: Poster: Fabrication of biodegradable and thermosensitive Au/Chitosan-g-PNVCL hybrid nanomaterials for radio frequency based cancer therapy.

Intellectual annihilation begins:

IB(Intellectual balatkari) i.e the Ph.D student : So have you gone from top down or bottom up approach in making these AuNPs?

Poster Guy, PG: [Checks her out.. is confused about how a hot chick(relatively) have found her way inside a Nanophysics poster she lost!? he pinches himself twice confirming his conscious state... now checks her out again *differently*...*smiles*]
We used the bottom up approach, using green route to manufacture AuNPs..and then suspended them in form of a colloidal solution which is biodegradable..
[Feels manly, having answered more than what he was asked a hot chick.. feels victorious.. feels dominant.. feels like a man]

IB:[she continues unimpressed] That is self-contradicting, given the environment is going to be the human body. Did you check for the transport phenomenon? I mean that is how you will be subjecting them in the body isnt it? The nano capsule mustn't be decomposed before it could reach the target site.

PG: [Enters a conclusive WTF mode for a while, one reason being: he didnt really listen to her.. was looking else where.. an year long project work had taken its toll on him.. deprived him of women, almost completely....he is looking at her in wrong ways and at the places he shouldn't be looking at.. his subconscious gathers bits and pieces of what she just said ...and he tries to reply.. but she doesn't allow him.. she continues..]

IB: I mean you are making it thermosensitive and activating the system using a RF, which itself will have a finite thermal energy, did you test at what intensity were the capsules sensitive itself to the probe and what their threshold was?

PG: [Thinks to she making angry love to me?.. feels like it.. verbal love..
I wanna grab her.. she is so malai(butter).. why is she talking so much.. ABE CHUP KAR!.. just hug me.. I will clarify all your doubts...]
Er.. we didn't test that.. we probably would, in the later part of this project..
[He knew he was lying, there was no funding available anymore for this..]

IB: So you are presenting an incomplete project? The anomalies aren't tested?
That isn't expected from a physics student.. Anyhow.. were the control groups i.e L929 or whatever cells analyzed using the same RF probe? were the diffraction effects taken into account? 

* By this time a small crowd gathers around this location.. which includes the invigilators, who themselves are in WTF mode looking at this chick 'probably in a different way than that guy though' *

PG: [Why do I feel that she is molesting me.. why do I feel cornered.. I feel being violated.. WTF is going on.. I am the man here!.. reply her.. reply her damn it!]
Um.. eh.. we, AuNPs  thermosensitive right? we were able to attain a size of less than 150nm, without
[He felt like he might have revealed his weakness, he was most vulnerable now..
he knew that he could be hurt.. by just words.. he just prayed that she didn't sense his vulnerability, unfortunately she did.. and she was going in for the kill.. mercilessly.. ruthlessly..] 

IB: [Agitated] That isn't making any sense. This size will have physical constraints associated, the diffraction limit will mar the over all resolution. Its basic physics.

PG: [I think she is raping me. I cannot get raped in front of invigilators.. why are there tears in my eyes.. what is she doing to me.. saali witch! kala jadu kar rahi hai ye toh (she is invoking black magic) he could feel his face making aghast expressions involuntarily, he still tried to reply.. a non-nonsensical one though ]
Oh I am not a physics student. I am a biologist, with a background in medicine.
[Almost praying, oh goddess of intellectual wrath, please stop raping me.I wont look at your boobies again]

IB: Hmm.. Disappointing..  

[She moves on to the next poster to continue her assault.. her next victim suffered the same casualties...]
Though the poster which was right next to this one, i.e besides the one that got intellectually demolished, was unmanned..
the guy who was suppose to present it had gone back to the hostel.. for "medical reasons".. I call that as collateral damage..

Fortunately she was nice to me.. smiling and all.. may be coz I still have that charm...of innocence left in me somewhere..  ahem ahem...
She was someone who you can love and hate at the same time.. envy her intellectual capabilities.. and may be her dominance..

When it was time for my friends to present their posters... we played safe.. we kept one guy (i.e me) to patrol her.. 2 guys near the non-suicidal escape routes.. as outposts.. so when she was around , the guy presenting the poster would hide in the toilet. [Yes it was that bad]
At the end of the day, women and invigilators named her "Jhansi ki raani, those who got victimized, called her intellectual balatkari.. i.e intellectual rapist.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Kya Karoon Kya Na Karoon

Ye kaisi mushkeel hai.. Koi toh batade iska hal to mere bhai..
What a jhandofically gay song it is.
So apart from staying up late, making a physics chatroom as my new virtual home and b!tchslaping teenagers over there for their tormenting rants, I derive sanity from stroking the paint brush (this doesn't sound right, but nvm) on the drawing paper.
Not that I am good at painting or drawing or anything even remotely related, but it was an idea my mind came up with.
How did all that start.. inception stories are always interesting.. well they are made interesting.. Heres mine :
Mind: She likes orchids, send her orchids.
Me: Dude, its over, thanda le, aur sprite pi sprite.
Mind: Abe chutiye send it to her as a friendship day ka.. you know..
Me: Hmm.. You do realize, its not the same anymore. whatever that is left between us is        more complicated than a situation where a moving electron is subjected to        superly-duperly varying magnetic field where its motion is like a person who is trying        to dance to justin bieber's Baby Baby, and Michael Jackson's thriller at the same time.
Mind:Just google some orchids.
Me: Whokay.. ooo 6 stems..900 bucks, 1000bucks.. Bank mein 300 hai....
Mind: Ek stem dete hai kya pooch..
Me: =/ .. I'll see if baapu can arrange some mullah in my account..
*Circumstances/Surrounding parameters changed over the course of the next few days*
Me: Bola tha na.. its not the same anymore. Chala gand-masti karne. 
Mind: Muzhe kya pata, itna ulta pulta ho chuka hai.
Me: hmm.. sale abhi mera mood theekh karne keliye kuch karna padega..
Mind: Porn?
Me: Why do you always suggest me that.. waise its not a completely bad idea...
Mind: Lets draw something..
Me: What? what kind of retarded porn fantasy is that? 
Mind: Drawing.. idiot, that which involves pencil and paper , not penis and tissue paper.
Me: Draw what? My  leaning tower of Mumbai?
Mind: I didnt knew you addressed it like that...umm.. Orchid..Draw an orchid.
Me: Whats with you man, kal se orchid orchid.. Gay ho gaya kya ek breakup ke baad. Ro ro 
       ke satiya gaya hai kya? Has crying increased the amount of estrogen in you?
Mind: Chu, khopdi maat satka be... just do it. 
Me: Nike ke chamche, I cannot paint shaint.. 
Mind: Try.. 
So this is the end result.. I dunno what it looks like.. The idea was to paint an orchid.. after outlining it by a pencil, that idea changed to " something like an orchid".. Half way through coloring it.. it changed to " mutant orchid!" .. When I was almost done.. I could hear myself praying to M.F.Hussain.. 'Man.. let it atleast  look like some flower.'
When it was done.. My mind spoke " Bhencho! Ye kya bana diya be, Char pair wali makdee lag rahi hai, samundar ki makdee" (WTF have you made, looks like a 4 legged spider, sea spider)
So this is what anger+ frustration+hurt+no painting skills+jobless-ness+reminiscent love+hatred looks like on the paper.
And then..
My heart: Send it to her..
Me & Mind: Huh? =| 
Me: Yo, you need rest. 
Mind: Hmmm.. 
 Me: Seriously? 'Hmmm' REALLY!? Crazy organs.. 
So shud I shud I not.. Shud I Shud I Not..
(P.S The inception story may not be exactly true, though the question stays valid.)

(Update Edit: Real blue orchids in a vase sent. Response: Disliked by my heart.)

Friday, July 29, 2011

Once in a while...

When everything goes wrong, its almost impossible to stay strong.
It gets so morose that you dont even feel like playing with your schlong..

What if you try to correct that what went wrong?
The more you try to fix it, the more it goes wrong.

Your soul, body, heart and brains (both) become independent characters.
Of this play where the script is being written by biased and filthy writers.

Throughout which you are nothing more than a doormat, an option.
You end up being a really cheap bid at this hurtful auction.

When you possessed a flower,
bees and butterflies around come to suck the nectar.
Now since it has withered,
they dont even bother to buzz and flutter around your sector.

You curse yourself, you curse every other,
but none of it makes anyone of them bother..
As you no more have your significant-other.

Each day each night, you remember that which you lost..
you know you learned a lot, but at an unimaginable cost.

Angry with yourself, with everyone around..
an anger you cannot show,
an anger that which you must not let any one know. 

They say, time heals everything,
but even that fhaker is relative.
Both in physics and in life.
For some it passes effin quick,
for some its more adhesive than friggin fevi-stick.

I am wrong, I make mistakes,
But thats no reason to make my life wrecker than the wreck..

Hell fhakh it, now go down and suck it.

Quote from Singham "Sirf Galti kya hai ye jaane se koi fharak nahi padta , galat ko sahi karne se fharak padta hai."
(Just knowing whats wrong doesn't change anything, but correcting whats wrong does)

Sunday, July 10, 2011

1279 kilometers away...

  • Chennai was so hot that.. when I was taking a shower ..  and I pee-ed as usual.. some of it landed on my feet.. it burned. Burnol lagana pada...Also,I admire my internal plumbing of my body to sustain such high internal temperatures.
  • Went to some mall... a part of which was devoted to "music"..All CDs and crap.. where Bade Baap ke Bade Bacche were talking in weird language about different types of music, or genre..Jaan-Rah! Kya chutiya pronunciation hai.. Either the pronunciation is sh!t or the spelling is..I wondered if this was a PORN section, and people were discussing types of porn genre in the same seriousness as they were discussing music types..
Guy:"Oh does xxxSoftMature excite you?"
Girl:"No, I prefer it Hardcore, you know, its less subtle and suits my mood most of time."
Guy:"Thats interesting,Coffee?"
Girl: "Sure! =)"
I wonder if they can retain that same elite high class chuttad expression on their face during this conversation.
  • Chennai-ites do make fun of outsiders. They laugh at the fact that we dont know tamil and are not versed with their tamilian ways.Fortunately not all of them are like that.Friendly bunch, but I yearned for chicks.There were None. NADA!
  • Some buses had a fhakin  horizontal ferris wheel inside them..Two buses connected as one.. Almost all of them were in damaged state.If it weren't for GPS I would have been lost in the jungles of chennai... GPS helped me so much that within two days I was helping the locals there with directions.Amma Go straight, right illa, straight poda...You can actually try sounding like them using long sounding extensions for every word and modify it a bit.. be it any word from any language.. you can make punjabi sound like tamil.. even english..Like this : Ewouuuu kyaan Myeak yenee laangayz laaaeek Tumeel.
  • It's kind of a blessing when you are trying to communicate with someone there and they reply to you in hindi.. brings an instant smile on your face.
  • Many old men wear lungis in a weird fashion, its like a male version of miniskirt. I really yearned Bombay ki kudiyan looking at these lungis. I wonder if such a weird way of wearing a lungi can be the new sexy.. if worn by chicks that is..
The ones I saw revealed more thighs.

  • I listened to almost 12 hours of tollywood music in my hotel room. Sun TV and its close relatives. All the male actors represent the actual people. The actresses however.. no I didnt see a single female entity in chennai who was even remotely similar to them.
  • Tollywood music is filled with high amount of testosterone. It feels like the male actor is humping that female chick in his mind. Thats how he dances. I liked the music though. Their lyrics blend well with the music. It was like listening to an instrumental. The singing was just another musical instrument. None the less I liked the songs.
  • The names of the places in Chennai are funneh, I mean ofcourse they are tamil names, but if you keep on saying them.. a weird kind of melody comes out of it...
  • One other noticeable fact is that, your poop color, texture and quantity changes. After too much of idli dosas sambar, your poop looks like sambar. And that makes you repulsive towards sambar just after few days. After having a very very tasty masala dosa... I developed an intense detest towards it in 2 days.. I went from aaaaaahhhmmmm to eewwwwww.
  • Also, no chicks.. I know I reported that before but it is an issue which must be addressed by the Tamilnadu State Government. Import chicks from other metros.
  • I dunno what kind of people would have gone to chennai for the first time and thought about settling there. " Oh its 100 deg Celsius out here.. my sweat evaporates before it comes outta my body.. it almost never rains.. I should settle here."
  • The rickshaw walas are wallet rapists. They would charge you so much that even they would giggle if you agree to pay them what they ask you to. I asked for a ride, from university to saidapet, a place pretty close to the uni. Walking distance. But the heat was killing me. So that rickshaw guy goes like.. " anna 500" , I say " Ghanta illa 500... I will give you 50"   He gave me a very tamilian expression, which probably meant WTF and FHAKH YOU simultaneously.
  •  Interestingly, the Bus fare was ridiculously low. Like REAALLY LOW. Taxi/cab ride from my place to the uni costs about 700 bucks. The bus ride costs 6 bucks. I dunno if they run those buses on coconut oil or saudi oil.
  • The cleanliness was as low as the bus ride's fare as well. It seems like.. it was OK to remove content from ones nose with a bare hand and use that same hand without washing to remove the contents from the nariyal paani. It seems like it was OK to sneeze on the face of the fellow passenger and smile back at him, like you just got blessed by his sneeze.
I am happy to be back in bombay, but I would not mind going back to chennai, coz it still harbors that which is very special to me...

This post means no offense to chennai-ites, but if you take any offense, then I really do not care, coz you do know that chennai sucks, face the truth.

Thursday, July 07, 2011

UnHugged, UnKissed, UnFhaked.


UltraMuscularDude(UMD): Yo! Whaddap! long time no see geeko freeko...

Me: Yea man... where have you been? Pumping those proteins in you?

UMD: Nah man! done with that long back, currently busy just banging chicks...
Losing money on hotels.. 3 times a week man!! *wink wink*

Me: Whoa man, I dont even masturbate with that much frequency...

UMD: You still in training? You need to go out and get some man!

Me: Unlike you,I have no muscles or money or magic..

UMD: Very tragic.. look that rhymed!

Me: =/

UMD: So you haven't got laid.. you will some day.. keep your hopes high!

Me: Forget "laid", No female entity has ever hugged or kissed me either...

UMD: You make me sad man... I will think about you when I bang this chick next time..

Me: Thanks man.. that makes me feel better.. I dunno why or how.. but it does..

UMD: So you are unhugged, unkissed and unhumped...

Me:  For 24 years.. almost quarter of a century..

UMD: You must be really ugly.

Me: Thank you for your compliments.. I am flattered

UMD:  if you have money you should fly to US or Europe and study there for a year.. and bang chicks.. beetches are easy there.. my friend did that.. he says, they like him being exotic..

Me: I am atmost erotic.. not exotic..

UMD: =/  You need to have confidence in yourself mate! Hold your act together around a chick.. they will fall for you.. look in their eyes mate!

Me: Ghanta confidence.. They need to be around me to for more than few minutes for me to actually perform my 'act' in front of them... and how do I that if that chick is in a ticket queue.. that's the location where she is constrained to spend maximum time around me.. with her bf besides her.. Uski ankho mein dekhon ki uske bf ke? ( Look in her eyes or her bf's?) Why expect it from a stranger, when the girl who knows you the most fears from shaking hands with you.. Fhakh I must be darn ugly..

UMD: I think you should go with that..  are you an untouchable?

Me: No, but I guess.. being that would be much less distractive... Anyways! So temme about the chick you were banging thrice a week, who is she?