Sunday, July 31, 2011

Kya Karoon Kya Na Karoon

Ye kaisi mushkeel hai.. Koi toh batade iska hal to mere bhai..
What a jhandofically gay song it is.
So apart from staying up late, making a physics chatroom as my new virtual home and b!tchslaping teenagers over there for their tormenting rants, I derive sanity from stroking the paint brush (this doesn't sound right, but nvm) on the drawing paper.
Not that I am good at painting or drawing or anything even remotely related, but it was an idea my mind came up with.
How did all that start.. inception stories are always interesting.. well they are made interesting.. Heres mine :
Mind: She likes orchids, send her orchids.
Me: Dude, its over, thanda le, aur sprite pi sprite.
Mind: Abe chutiye send it to her as a friendship day ka.. you know..
Me: Hmm.. You do realize, its not the same anymore. whatever that is left between us is        more complicated than a situation where a moving electron is subjected to        superly-duperly varying magnetic field where its motion is like a person who is trying        to dance to justin bieber's Baby Baby, and Michael Jackson's thriller at the same time.
Mind:Just google some orchids.
Me: Whokay.. ooo 6 stems..900 bucks, 1000bucks.. Bank mein 300 hai....
Mind: Ek stem dete hai kya pooch..
Me: =/ .. I'll see if baapu can arrange some mullah in my account..
*Circumstances/Surrounding parameters changed over the course of the next few days*
Me: Bola tha na.. its not the same anymore. Chala gand-masti karne. 
Mind: Muzhe kya pata, itna ulta pulta ho chuka hai.
Me: hmm.. sale abhi mera mood theekh karne keliye kuch karna padega..
Mind: Porn?
Me: Why do you always suggest me that.. waise its not a completely bad idea...
Mind: Lets draw something..
Me: What? what kind of retarded porn fantasy is that? 
Mind: Drawing.. idiot, that which involves pencil and paper , not penis and tissue paper.
Me: Draw what? My  leaning tower of Mumbai?
Mind: I didnt knew you addressed it like that...umm.. Orchid..Draw an orchid.
Me: Whats with you man, kal se orchid orchid.. Gay ho gaya kya ek breakup ke baad. Ro ro 
       ke satiya gaya hai kya? Has crying increased the amount of estrogen in you?
Mind: Chu, khopdi maat satka be... just do it. 
Me: Nike ke chamche, I cannot paint shaint.. 
Mind: Try.. 
So this is the end result.. I dunno what it looks like.. The idea was to paint an orchid.. after outlining it by a pencil, that idea changed to " something like an orchid".. Half way through coloring it.. it changed to " mutant orchid!" .. When I was almost done.. I could hear myself praying to M.F.Hussain.. 'Man.. let it atleast  look like some flower.'
When it was done.. My mind spoke " Bhencho! Ye kya bana diya be, Char pair wali makdee lag rahi hai, samundar ki makdee" (WTF have you made, looks like a 4 legged spider, sea spider)
So this is what anger+ frustration+hurt+no painting skills+jobless-ness+reminiscent love+hatred looks like on the paper.
And then..
My heart: Send it to her..
Me & Mind: Huh? =| 
Me: Yo, you need rest. 
Mind: Hmmm.. 
 Me: Seriously? 'Hmmm' REALLY!? Crazy organs.. 
So shud I shud I not.. Shud I Shud I Not..
(P.S The inception story may not be exactly true, though the question stays valid.)

(Update Edit: Real blue orchids in a vase sent. Response: Disliked by my heart.)

Friday, July 29, 2011

Once in a while...

When everything goes wrong, its almost impossible to stay strong.
It gets so morose that you dont even feel like playing with your schlong..

What if you try to correct that what went wrong?
The more you try to fix it, the more it goes wrong.

Your soul, body, heart and brains (both) become independent characters.
Of this play where the script is being written by biased and filthy writers.

Throughout which you are nothing more than a doormat, an option.
You end up being a really cheap bid at this hurtful auction.

When you possessed a flower,
bees and butterflies around come to suck the nectar.
Now since it has withered,
they dont even bother to buzz and flutter around your sector.

You curse yourself, you curse every other,
but none of it makes anyone of them bother..
As you no more have your significant-other.

Each day each night, you remember that which you lost..
you know you learned a lot, but at an unimaginable cost.

Angry with yourself, with everyone around..
an anger you cannot show,
an anger that which you must not let any one know. 

They say, time heals everything,
but even that fhaker is relative.
Both in physics and in life.
For some it passes effin quick,
for some its more adhesive than friggin fevi-stick.

I am wrong, I make mistakes,
But thats no reason to make my life wrecker than the wreck..

Hell fhakh it, now go down and suck it.

Quote from Singham "Sirf Galti kya hai ye jaane se koi fharak nahi padta , galat ko sahi karne se fharak padta hai."
(Just knowing whats wrong doesn't change anything, but correcting whats wrong does)

Sunday, July 10, 2011

1279 kilometers away...

  • Chennai was so hot that.. when I was taking a shower ..  and I pee-ed as usual.. some of it landed on my feet.. it burned. Burnol lagana pada...Also,I admire my internal plumbing of my body to sustain such high internal temperatures.
  • Went to some mall... a part of which was devoted to "music"..All CDs and crap.. where Bade Baap ke Bade Bacche were talking in weird language about different types of music, or genre..Jaan-Rah! Kya chutiya pronunciation hai.. Either the pronunciation is sh!t or the spelling is..I wondered if this was a PORN section, and people were discussing types of porn genre in the same seriousness as they were discussing music types..
Guy:"Oh does xxxSoftMature excite you?"
Girl:"No, I prefer it Hardcore, you know, its less subtle and suits my mood most of time."
Guy:"Thats interesting,Coffee?"
Girl: "Sure! =)"
I wonder if they can retain that same elite high class chuttad expression on their face during this conversation.
  • Chennai-ites do make fun of outsiders. They laugh at the fact that we dont know tamil and are not versed with their tamilian ways.Fortunately not all of them are like that.Friendly bunch, but I yearned for chicks.There were None. NADA!
  • Some buses had a fhakin  horizontal ferris wheel inside them..Two buses connected as one.. Almost all of them were in damaged state.If it weren't for GPS I would have been lost in the jungles of chennai... GPS helped me so much that within two days I was helping the locals there with directions.Amma Go straight, right illa, straight poda...You can actually try sounding like them using long sounding extensions for every word and modify it a bit.. be it any word from any language.. you can make punjabi sound like tamil.. even english..Like this : Ewouuuu kyaan Myeak yenee laangayz laaaeek Tumeel.
  • It's kind of a blessing when you are trying to communicate with someone there and they reply to you in hindi.. brings an instant smile on your face.
  • Many old men wear lungis in a weird fashion, its like a male version of miniskirt. I really yearned Bombay ki kudiyan looking at these lungis. I wonder if such a weird way of wearing a lungi can be the new sexy.. if worn by chicks that is..
The ones I saw revealed more thighs.

  • I listened to almost 12 hours of tollywood music in my hotel room. Sun TV and its close relatives. All the male actors represent the actual people. The actresses however.. no I didnt see a single female entity in chennai who was even remotely similar to them.
  • Tollywood music is filled with high amount of testosterone. It feels like the male actor is humping that female chick in his mind. Thats how he dances. I liked the music though. Their lyrics blend well with the music. It was like listening to an instrumental. The singing was just another musical instrument. None the less I liked the songs.
  • The names of the places in Chennai are funneh, I mean ofcourse they are tamil names, but if you keep on saying them.. a weird kind of melody comes out of it...
  • One other noticeable fact is that, your poop color, texture and quantity changes. After too much of idli dosas sambar, your poop looks like sambar. And that makes you repulsive towards sambar just after few days. After having a very very tasty masala dosa... I developed an intense detest towards it in 2 days.. I went from aaaaaahhhmmmm to eewwwwww.
  • Also, no chicks.. I know I reported that before but it is an issue which must be addressed by the Tamilnadu State Government. Import chicks from other metros.
  • I dunno what kind of people would have gone to chennai for the first time and thought about settling there. " Oh its 100 deg Celsius out here.. my sweat evaporates before it comes outta my body.. it almost never rains.. I should settle here."
  • The rickshaw walas are wallet rapists. They would charge you so much that even they would giggle if you agree to pay them what they ask you to. I asked for a ride, from university to saidapet, a place pretty close to the uni. Walking distance. But the heat was killing me. So that rickshaw guy goes like.. " anna 500" , I say " Ghanta illa 500... I will give you 50"   He gave me a very tamilian expression, which probably meant WTF and FHAKH YOU simultaneously.
  •  Interestingly, the Bus fare was ridiculously low. Like REAALLY LOW. Taxi/cab ride from my place to the uni costs about 700 bucks. The bus ride costs 6 bucks. I dunno if they run those buses on coconut oil or saudi oil.
  • The cleanliness was as low as the bus ride's fare as well. It seems like.. it was OK to remove content from ones nose with a bare hand and use that same hand without washing to remove the contents from the nariyal paani. It seems like it was OK to sneeze on the face of the fellow passenger and smile back at him, like you just got blessed by his sneeze.
I am happy to be back in bombay, but I would not mind going back to chennai, coz it still harbors that which is very special to me...

This post means no offense to chennai-ites, but if you take any offense, then I really do not care, coz you do know that chennai sucks, face the truth.

Thursday, July 07, 2011

UnHugged, UnKissed, UnFhaked.


UltraMuscularDude(UMD): Yo! Whaddap! long time no see geeko freeko...

Me: Yea man... where have you been? Pumping those proteins in you?

UMD: Nah man! done with that long back, currently busy just banging chicks...
Losing money on hotels.. 3 times a week man!! *wink wink*

Me: Whoa man, I dont even masturbate with that much frequency...

UMD: You still in training? You need to go out and get some man!

Me: Unlike you,I have no muscles or money or magic..

UMD: Very tragic.. look that rhymed!

Me: =/

UMD: So you haven't got laid.. you will some day.. keep your hopes high!

Me: Forget "laid", No female entity has ever hugged or kissed me either...

UMD: You make me sad man... I will think about you when I bang this chick next time..

Me: Thanks man.. that makes me feel better.. I dunno why or how.. but it does..

UMD: So you are unhugged, unkissed and unhumped...

Me:  For 24 years.. almost quarter of a century..

UMD: You must be really ugly.

Me: Thank you for your compliments.. I am flattered

UMD:  if you have money you should fly to US or Europe and study there for a year.. and bang chicks.. beetches are easy there.. my friend did that.. he says, they like him being exotic..

Me: I am atmost erotic.. not exotic..

UMD: =/  You need to have confidence in yourself mate! Hold your act together around a chick.. they will fall for you.. look in their eyes mate!

Me: Ghanta confidence.. They need to be around me to for more than few minutes for me to actually perform my 'act' in front of them... and how do I that if that chick is in a ticket queue.. that's the location where she is constrained to spend maximum time around me.. with her bf besides her.. Uski ankho mein dekhon ki uske bf ke? ( Look in her eyes or her bf's?) Why expect it from a stranger, when the girl who knows you the most fears from shaking hands with you.. Fhakh I must be darn ugly..

UMD: I think you should go with that..  are you an untouchable?

Me: No, but I guess.. being that would be much less distractive... Anyways! So temme about the chick you were banging thrice a week, who is she?


Tuesday, July 05, 2011

GPS, Gayer per second.

Shit just got shittier.

I have been lately accused of being girl-like, no not just because my belly looks like I carry a 3 month old baby..
But the characteristics I have developed.
Masculinity has given away to the " awww - sho cute " behavior. Which is ridonculously ridiculous.
I have been reading books with titles like "Losing my virginity and other dumb ideas"... "34 bubblegums and candies" etc..
And its not just about reading... its about the amount of interest I take in reading these books.. and no not even that!.. its the "emotions" that come to my mind and I "feel" for those characters.. its just .. 
its just.. fhakin gay..

Plus I am in love with nutella...

I need a change.. 'masculinious' change.. Need to hang out with guys with testosterone oozing from their.. argh nvm..
I need to restore my masculinity.