Sunday, July 10, 2011

1279 kilometers away...

  • Chennai was so hot that.. when I was taking a shower ..  and I pee-ed as usual.. some of it landed on my feet.. it burned. Burnol lagana pada...Also,I admire my internal plumbing of my body to sustain such high internal temperatures.
  • Went to some mall... a part of which was devoted to "music"..All CDs and crap.. where Bade Baap ke Bade Bacche were talking in weird language about different types of music, or genre..Jaan-Rah! Kya chutiya pronunciation hai.. Either the pronunciation is sh!t or the spelling is..I wondered if this was a PORN section, and people were discussing types of porn genre in the same seriousness as they were discussing music types..
Guy:"Oh does xxxSoftMature excite you?"
Girl:"No, I prefer it Hardcore, you know, its less subtle and suits my mood most of time."
Guy:"Thats interesting,Coffee?"
Girl: "Sure! =)"
I wonder if they can retain that same elite high class chuttad expression on their face during this conversation.
  • Chennai-ites do make fun of outsiders. They laugh at the fact that we dont know tamil and are not versed with their tamilian ways.Fortunately not all of them are like that.Friendly bunch, but I yearned for chicks.There were None. NADA!
  • Some buses had a fhakin  horizontal ferris wheel inside them..Two buses connected as one.. Almost all of them were in damaged state.If it weren't for GPS I would have been lost in the jungles of chennai... GPS helped me so much that within two days I was helping the locals there with directions.Amma Go straight, right illa, straight poda...You can actually try sounding like them using long sounding extensions for every word and modify it a bit.. be it any word from any language.. you can make punjabi sound like tamil.. even english..Like this : Ewouuuu kyaan Myeak yenee laangayz laaaeek Tumeel.
  • It's kind of a blessing when you are trying to communicate with someone there and they reply to you in hindi.. brings an instant smile on your face.
  • Many old men wear lungis in a weird fashion, its like a male version of miniskirt. I really yearned Bombay ki kudiyan looking at these lungis. I wonder if such a weird way of wearing a lungi can be the new sexy.. if worn by chicks that is..
The ones I saw revealed more thighs.

  • I listened to almost 12 hours of tollywood music in my hotel room. Sun TV and its close relatives. All the male actors represent the actual people. The actresses however.. no I didnt see a single female entity in chennai who was even remotely similar to them.
  • Tollywood music is filled with high amount of testosterone. It feels like the male actor is humping that female chick in his mind. Thats how he dances. I liked the music though. Their lyrics blend well with the music. It was like listening to an instrumental. The singing was just another musical instrument. None the less I liked the songs.
  • The names of the places in Chennai are funneh, I mean ofcourse they are tamil names, but if you keep on saying them.. a weird kind of melody comes out of it...
  • One other noticeable fact is that, your poop color, texture and quantity changes. After too much of idli dosas sambar, your poop looks like sambar. And that makes you repulsive towards sambar just after few days. After having a very very tasty masala dosa... I developed an intense detest towards it in 2 days.. I went from aaaaaahhhmmmm to eewwwwww.
  • Also, no chicks.. I know I reported that before but it is an issue which must be addressed by the Tamilnadu State Government. Import chicks from other metros.
  • I dunno what kind of people would have gone to chennai for the first time and thought about settling there. " Oh its 100 deg Celsius out here.. my sweat evaporates before it comes outta my body.. it almost never rains.. I should settle here."
  • The rickshaw walas are wallet rapists. They would charge you so much that even they would giggle if you agree to pay them what they ask you to. I asked for a ride, from university to saidapet, a place pretty close to the uni. Walking distance. But the heat was killing me. So that rickshaw guy goes like.. " anna 500" , I say " Ghanta illa 500... I will give you 50"   He gave me a very tamilian expression, which probably meant WTF and FHAKH YOU simultaneously.
  •  Interestingly, the Bus fare was ridiculously low. Like REAALLY LOW. Taxi/cab ride from my place to the uni costs about 700 bucks. The bus ride costs 6 bucks. I dunno if they run those buses on coconut oil or saudi oil.
  • The cleanliness was as low as the bus ride's fare as well. It seems like.. it was OK to remove content from ones nose with a bare hand and use that same hand without washing to remove the contents from the nariyal paani. It seems like it was OK to sneeze on the face of the fellow passenger and smile back at him, like you just got blessed by his sneeze.
I am happy to be back in bombay, but I would not mind going back to chennai, coz it still harbors that which is very special to me...

This post means no offense to chennai-ites, but if you take any offense, then I really do not care, coz you do know that chennai sucks, face the truth.


Candy said...

seeing that lungi.. i remember that ad from shahids movie.. dance pe chance... airco lungi! lol

Life said...

LMAO!!!! Tamilians might get a little offended by reading ur blog for sure...SO u r back to blogging aswell, nice...I was missing it somehow... :D

Ranjana said...

I was in chennai for 4 yrs during my college and share you sentiments more than you can imagine ....and yes, no chicks...i felt very conscious of being the only one of my species....had to tone down my chick-ness so I wudnt get all felt down... so u in me good places to check out, i am gonna make a trip there in 10 days time

Live2cherish said...

"I dunno what kind of people would have gone to chennai for the first time and thought about settling there. " Oh its 100 deg Celsius out here.. my sweat evaporates before it comes outta my body.. it almost never rains.. I should settle here.""--- ROFL!!!

Buses running on coconut oil - now that is something surely to look at.

omg, your posts are hilarious.

Anonymous said...

considering u said fell in love with chennai .......this post seems a lil contradictory

Anonymous said...

n btw i have lived in chennai for 4 months...n it rains pretty heavily in november december jan .....tht's their rainy season :)

xyzandme said...

@candy: kaise kaise dance shows dekhti hai be tu.. =/

@Life: Well they know that its true, I am just writing about my experience.

@ranjana: I visited anna uni and chennai uni, I yearned for beauty.. Fortunately I visited the physics lab..

@Live2Cherish: really dude.. I dont see a reason to settle there.. The water vapor from your body forms an aura around you.. when you walk on chennai streets =/

@Anon: I never said I was in love with chennai. Also "their rainy season"? Its still just two months of rains.. and its faaaar from " heavy...Comeon! you have lived in bombay you know what heavy is!
Chennai rains: Gets lungis wet.
Bombay rains: Floods your home and steals your pentium 3 PC.. =(

manisha said...

I liked the way u wrote everything in point form,thats how all my teachers are shouting these days to write during our exams so that our stupid Mumbai Univ examiners notice what all shit we write in papers,now,I realize why we are told to write that way,it actually grabs the reader's attention and makes him read stuff.Some points are really interesting and hilarious and hopefully true as far as i have heard abt Chennai,unfortunately never been to Chennai before bt cud actually relate,quite convincing!!

xyzandme said...

@manisha: I was going to put a "Write about chennai- 12 Marks" as my topic :p
Bombay Uni is all show and no go. How much you can memorize takes precedence over how much you learn.
I wrote this post point-wise, coz each one of these observations about the city were discreet.

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