Sunday, November 27, 2011

Stalk Exchange

Me: yo man! whaadddup!
MeraDehatiDost(MDD): Nothing much...
Me: Dude do you remember that hot but short chick from college..the one that took comp science.. 
MDD: Who?
Me: dude there were just four girls in a class of 120.. and she was the only short one amongst them... you should be able to recall just like that..
MDD: Hmm.. Samiksha..
Me: you effin "Know" her by name? :O
MDD: Anisha..
Me: =/
MDD: Ashlesha..
Me: dude.. uske teen naam hai? teri itni jaan pehechan hoi gayi usse?
MDD: Anamika! Anamika Patel.
Me: 4th name.. or are you naming those four girls?
MDD: Nah just confused about her name.. she isnt on my FB friend's list..
Me: Why is she not in your FB.. you have 99.99% of the college junta on your FB.. even the lab assistant's teenage daughter is on your FB.. why isnt Anamika! I came to you with so much hope!
MDD:  sorry to disappoint you jhandfhakir ..  she is amongst those unlucky 0.01%...Though last time I met her was back in 2009...wished her 'happy new year'.
Me: =/ She remembered you?
MDD: yes..
Me: Mereko kya ghanta pehechanegi.. =( Anyhow.. I saw her... few days back.... near the MG90 road.. nariyal paniwala baithta hai na udhar.. leherake balkhake ja rahi thi...
She is too cute to be ignored...
MDD: She is short..
Me: her cuteness over-rides her shortness..
MDD: True.. many guys had crush on her.. even our organic chem lecturer..
Me: Who? Dholya? or papaji?
MDD: papaji.. he had a thing for gujju chicks...
Me: Must be fed up of punju kudis and their moustaches :p
MDD: ={
Me: Ha!.. Anyways.. I wish I had done something back then in college to get noticed..
MDD: You almost blew up the chem lab and papaji with it..
Me: Bade bade labs mein aisi choti choti batein hoti rehti hai :p
MDD: Amen.
Me: Where does she stay.. any idea? I feel like stalking her in my spare time.. 
MDD: Stalking online?
Me: No. In real spacetime.
MDD: Ah ol' school style..
Me: ol' school?
MDD: yea when you used to stalk lil girls on your BMX cycle..
ME: Oh yea good old days..
MDD: Pedo sala..
Me: What! no! that was when I was little!
MDD:Not as little as one wants you to be for a non-pedo classification.
Me: -.-
MDD: you were a born pedo..
ME: WTF? That isn't even logically sound!
MDD: Yes you flirted with ovaries and 1 month old fetuses when you were born.
Me: -.- Alright stop!
MDD: You masturbated to the ultrasound pictures of other babies in the wombs when you were in the hospital ward.
Me: =/ So I was saying... Do you know where she stays? or works? or studies?

MDD: Don't know.. do you have enuff money to please any girl?
Me: i dont have enuff money to please myself.. why do you ask.. is she THAT kind of a girl?
MDD: No, but she is gujju.. you need to have a biznesh to stand any chance of hitting on her..
Me: I dont wanna hit on her... just stalk her..  statistically.. without her knowing it.. and then email her all the details about herself  and creep her out... 
MDD: Heartbreak has fhaked your brainsystem completely.
Me: =/


--- 3 Deen Baad ---

Me: Dude I have this intrinsic urge to find her.. I drink nariyal pani every fhakin day so as to have a higher chance to see her again.. in that area..
MDD: Happens.. hormonal imbalances can fuk your logical reasoning.
Me: No man.. now stalking her is the only motive i have when i go outside... chagaya hai mere mein.. ekdumse
MDD: =/ I will pray for you.
Me: She is so impossible to find! I even repaired my cycle for this endeavor. No luck yet.

--- Ek Hafhte Baad ---

Me: DUDE!!! I SAW HER!!! 
MDD: Did you talk to her?
Me: Are you kidding me? you do know how much meri fhatti hai.
MDD: Akele chennai jake teri item ko milke aya tab nahi fhati thi kya be?
Me: voh baat alag thi..also.. she aint an item =/
MDD: _|_
Me: Anyhow.. does this shortie reside in Daffodil Plaza!?
MDD: Yes.. she did tell me that when we last met..
Me: why did you not fhakin tell me then! =/
MDD: Your desperation was entertaining.. I was taking full on mazzaa from it ;)
Me: Bokadchod kahinka..

---2 Hafhte Baad---

Me: mapping her sightings around daffodils plaza , i have a rough idea of her daily routine...she is pretty timid creature... kisi choray ke saath aabtak dekha nahi isko..
MDD: yea she is soni kudi.. but a shortie..
Me: get over it man.

--MDD goes into online hibernation, stalking developments aren't reported to him.---
 --- Meanwhile, my 'relationship' with the shortie isn't that of a stalker any more. ---
                                                 --- Ek Mahine Baad ---

MDD: so any progress...
Me: an awful lot.. we are now 'friends'... =/
MDD: wow.. I dont even wanna know...also why the quotation marks..
Me: coz she confronted me... and said those three magic words..
MDD:Which ones? " Stop stalking me?" :p
Me: =/No.. She said .. I love you.. 
MDD: What the hell...You are fhaking kidding me..
Me: No man serious!!
MDD: but itnay jaldi.. in a month!?What did you do to/for her.. bokadchod~!?
Me: nothing! Kasam se! I wasnt even friendly with her...
MDD: She is on drugs or PMS or combo. How did she? I mean what did she say...
Me: You know.. the typical girly shit .. third order stress derivative on the word "like"..
MDD: What do you mean?
Me:  the " i really like you" crap.. and its variants..
MDD: So she likes you.. it doesnt mean she..
Me: Abe gende sun toh sahi..From my previous experience I have learned to ask and clarify that shit, so I asked her right away ..what exactly does she mean by " i really like you".. she still went on with .. " I REALLY like you" with stress on really.. as if she was constipating.. but politely...
MDD: I will try that mannered constipation before going to the loo tomorrow but from what ever she said..it still doesnt still imply that she....
Me: Chup!.. pura sun.. I have not completed it ...
MDD: Yea.. go on..
Me: So I went on and did a seedhi baat and asked her... " Does that mean ..in generic sense.. that you love me?"
Me: She kept quiet... we walked like that for a while..
MDD: Cut the dramatic crapshit and temme the end result you geelicunt.
Me: And then we entered a quieter and lonelier lane.
MDD: See you are still at it..you are redundantly gay..
Me: There she said 'yes' looking down at the road...
MDD: Muzhe ek bata , tu itna drama kyon ghusa raha hai teri story mein? You may be gay.. I am not...
Me: Dude she is the first chick that has said ' i love you' to me in real!!! like in physical reality!! No computers involved... My braincells would remember every bit and piece of such an event..
MDD: Fine gaylord.. so what did you say..
Me: I stopped and looked at her... and she...
MDD: NOOOOOOO bhosdikeee... just TO THE POINT bata zhandu balm ki 6th aulad~ you can describe this event on your blog in your typical gaytone.. not with me..
Me:  =/  I said.. "I like you too but I dont .. you know..."
MDD: Tera dimag toh sahi hai na? Mana ki she is a bit tingu and all.. but fhakh dude she is super duper hawt~! how can you fhakin.. what the fhakh is wrong with you bokadchod!?
Me: Nothing..
MDD: Do i need to remind you that you dont really have a face to make chicks fall in "love" with you.. so jo bhi milraha hai usko haan bol zhandkhor...
Me: =/
MDD: is it coz of that chennai ki idli chatney?  O_o
Me: WTF? =/
MDD: So it is bcoz of her...  great! tu 21st century ka newton banega.. aur virgin marega...


Monday, November 07, 2011

An Incomplete Account of an Incomplete Journey

The following "write-up" is from my so called 'diary' that I had chosen to write on the train on my way to chennai. Which when finished would be given to 'her'..
The diary remained incomplete.. So did the relationship.
I found the diary as I was cleaning my travel bag, as I was getting ready for another 
26+ hours train journey..      

This time for physics.
Anyhow.. here it is..


So after a long wait & a series of weird feelings for over a month or so, I am finally in this "express" train to chennai for you.

Your phone call just before the commencement of the journey was like a good omen, so I am hopping that this train doesn't crash and burn on the way. But given the record of accidents on this route, you never know.

I have made some stuff for you,which took some finite force x distance to carry around which got me wet from sweat.. much more than you ever could get.. Not *just* by sweat in your case :p

My built in chick detector became active as I entered the railway station where I was supposed to board this so called "express" train. But as soon as I approached the coach.. the continuous 'andu gundu thanda pani..' , The 'aayeeyos and aammaaas' turned it off.

Interestingly, I met a Vietnamese dude.. with a full on chinki look.. you know .. the slit eyes and all that with a stance which screams 'Heee Haaa!! Haeeyaa!'
He approached me, since I have a " I am a very amiable guy " sign on my face..

His angreezi was un-understandable, but I think the feeling was mutual.There were numerous chinki jokes going through my mind that I couldnt stop smiling. He perceived it as my amiability's higher feature and asked me to look after his luggage. =/

The train's announcement was made, I boarded it while my eyes instantaneously locked on a gujju chick. But soon detected the presence of a humongous male (her father) besides her and the chick detector underwent segmentation fault.

Trying to find comfort on the window seat of Indian railways, I was bothered by this tamil kudi, who looked like she was 'born and brought up in mumbai'. She asked me to get up and change seats, as I was sitting on the wrong one.. I obeyed without even checking her claim. Her way of querying and claiming would have made any feminist proud. She was high on nari shakti. Her deterministic gesture was more than enough to get me moving even before she completed that gesture.. She probably patted herself on her back thinking "ek mard ko aapne isharon pe nachaya". She left the coach, since she was here to drop her granpa who sat right in front of me.
Non-estrogen-al chick environment se coach mein mayusi cha gayi.

The train started to move its arse at around 8:40 PM ever so slowly.. like nayee naveli dulhan, matka matka ke.
The 'mighty' WDP4 engine tried to justify its 'Express' tag as it picked up speed.
I tied my overly sweat drenched T-shirt to the window rails to dry without considering how many people might have spat and puked there.

The train whizzed past my home-railway-station..I smiled... I felt like it wished me "best luck".. As the train moved outta the city limits..city lights got replaced by lights from factories.. concrete jungles by broken mountain ranges..

All advices from home about strangers and bahar ka khana, fell flat on their faces as my mouth went "mmmmmm" to the smell of biryani.. So I ended up asking this railway pantry car guy if he had the chicken biryani..  He said .. he doesn't, but can make one just for me.
Abhi isne "attithee devo bhava" itna seriously le liya toh, how could I not have that biryani!

The biryani was brought.. it was tasteless..