Thursday, April 19, 2012

Babble Babble Bitch Bitch

For over a month or so I have written multiple blog posts only to be shoved in the draft zone. Why? Coz most are filled with exponentially sadistic connotations, boundless hatred, pointless 'affection', retarded expectations etc etc... This is one such 'back from the draft' blog post. Given that most of this blog's followers are women, I am self-assured that I shall lose them after they read this blog post. But meh...
Anyhoe, lets talk about b!tches and b!tching as a process.
Who exactly qualifies as a b!tch? I mean, your encounter with such a person, would make you automatically utter something like " WHAADDAA B!TCH!" post encounter.
Certain traits a person displays makes them bitchy..
And no being a b!tch ain't gender specific. There are 'guy-bitches' too.. So wherever I address "her" its "him/her". And many women refer other women as 'Bitch', 'Slut', 'Whore'  and other not so cool slangs at much higher number density and intensity than any guy ever would.

Note:  Kindly do not bullshit about the " Respect women" or " Your mom is a woman"  crap. Give respect, take respect. The women who don't deserve to be moms are b!tches. Definitely, no ones a born b!tch, most become so due to circumstances, some are groomed to be so. Others are told to be so while most CHOOSE to be so. This particular post is about those " B!tch by choice".

Sophisticated B!tch: Lives in a third world country with a first world lifestyle and whines about her first world problems. A LOT. Someone who has an ipad, iphone, and every other apple device may vaguely fall into this category.

Reciprocative B!tch: Is bitchy coz someone else is/was bitchy to her.

Friendly B!tch: Befriends for the sole purpose of being b!tchy to them.

Replicative B!tch: Anyone that stays around her for more than a critical time, ends up like her. Issiliye apne mummy ka suno, and choose your company/friends wisely.

Non-Apologetic-B!tch: One who is proud of her dumbness-cum-b!tchiness and flaunts it like a prized possession. Knowledge from any source apart from that obtained from conspiracy theories is treated as questionable by her. She has a hard time believing in gravity but believes in ghosts sightings quite easily. Example: A Fox News / India TV anchor.

Pretty girl's b!tch: She bitches nonsensical made up crap to her girl-friend(s), about that girl's bf and eventually derails their relationship. A typical home wrecker and a consistent gossip queen.

Argumentative b!tch: Argues about anything and everything.

Sugar coated B!tch: She is a bitch at the core. Sugar coated with sweetness of friendship or some other ship. You are lured into her clutches as she makes you slowly suck on the sugar coating. And when you are so comfortable around her, she unleashes her bitch-grenade on you. And you have no time to regroup, resulting in your collapse.

Toggle B!tch: Changes sides/parties according to her selfish gains. But she does it so skillfully, that none of those sides know.

Sarcastic B!tch: Cannot have a conversation without inserting a sarcastic remark followed by a self-appreciating giggle and distinctive "rolls eyes". When you are discussing something over an email/chat, she would fill it in with sentences followed by sarcastic =) and :D

B!tch of Honor: Was a bitch in her prime time. Now she passes her bitchiness to those naive people...who take her advice on day to day issues on how to deal with their lame lives.. World War III would start right away if she is made president of some country.. even as tiny as Maldives.

2012 b!tch: She totally wants the world to end every freakin living moment of her life.

Hurtful B!tch: Would come back to you, with some stuff for the SOLE reason of hurting you.  Eg:   Me: Hi, long time no see. How have you been?   Her: Nothing much, Got a bf and a cool job, so things are looking good, and he is rich and owns a gym .. ;)  Me: Er.. OK.
Sharing irrelevant information, out of the blue in a pretty non-personal conversation is 'hurtful'.

Hypocritical B!tch: One who spreads "awareness" by emails and facebook status messages about "Why not to burn firecrackers on Diwali"  but does something very similar on new years. One who holds campaigns on global warming, but takes a ride in her merc E class even to the nearest grocery store. One who applies tons of make up throughout the year but brings the heavens down if even a lil bit of holi color gets on her cheeks.

Spatial B!tch: Her bitchiness is region dependent and/or domain dependent. Like bitchy in Delhi, goodie goodie in Bombay. She is someone who dresses up in a burkha at home and something resembling to lingerie at 'some place' else.

Temporal B!tch: Good girl in general, but turns bitchy for a while, probably coz its her time of the month. She mostly regrets her bitchiness after a while.

Know-it-all B!tch: She puts everyone and everything beneath her. Her statements often contain terms like " You wish " " You think " " Whatever ".

Blame-it-all-on-you B!tch: Everything wrong in and around her life is your fault. A typical conversation with her would contain stuff like:
"I know I did that BUT YOU..."
"I am sorry if you think like that, but.."

Wannabe B!tch: Self explanatory.

Spoiler B!tch: One who ruins everything fun and adventurous. She loves to gather attention by not doing something that the whole group in which she unfortunately belongs to, wants to do. She is fluttered around by guys from that group who end up sulking upto her and  into her "not fun" attitude. Dismantling of a nice outgoing group is her subconscious objective. She mostly comes in form of someone's girl friend or some friend's friend.

Drench in French B!tch: One who inserts unwanted French words in a simple English conversation. Makes that English sentence undergo a short spasmodic heart ache outta no where.

Confused B!tch: She is kind to people who are bitchy to her and bitchy to those who are kind to her. She is someone who has an "I don't care" attitude towards the people who care about her and "Thank you its so nice of you" attitude towards those who don't give a sh!t about her.

Ultra B!tch: This is it. She is the superposition of all the above bitch types. She knows when to execute the appropriate type of bitchiness for her pleasure. It requires special skills to exhibit this kind of bitchiness. Women with highly traumatized life end up either being a mother Teresa or an Ultra Bitch.

And for those who do not agree to the above types, all I wanna say is:

35bp94

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Tu Kaaun Hai..

She is a part of that clouded dream. She is someone who is impossible to get, even in your dreams. Someone who just lingers there, mysteriously, not letting you know who she is. Mischievously. Any attempts made to access her in the dream results in waking up. Breathless. The heart wants her to have a face. The brain finds this mysterious play much more fun and wants to keep it that way.  

A$$less kudi! Ab toh Palat...