Saturday, September 29, 2012

I've choked on my Lies.
Swallowed up my Greed.
And I'm suffering all alone in Misery.

Sunday, September 02, 2012

From being envious to being envied. (Not really)

Just when I thought I couldn't do any better in chick department other than ogling and mentally undressing them, my mind conjures up some unknown courage to do something different from this norm.
Here I am, who was still in midst of 'writing' a blog post on how short my life could turn out to be..
Being sh!t scared of how I may end up dead due to cancer. Every freakin moment filled with a weird kind of fear.
And then this happened.

Situation: Waiting room @ director's office of my institute.
People around: The 'peon' and a very sweet si rajasthani kudi.
So I enter the premises with a very weird look as usual. An old man's umbrella, age old trousers which was deteriorating, and a pair of chappals that would make any old man in his 80's proud.
And oh yea.. plastic ki thaili, ekdum typical.
All in all I was dressed to be killed. I could have replaced the peon. I was dressed more apt for that position.
Anyhoe. So as I entered the office, there was this girl. Pardon me. Sweet girl. *Blushes*
Okay Gay. -.-
She had everything that said: I am a high class, high end entity and I am not from this sh!tty institute of yours.
Which meant, mein usko dekhoonga bhi toh muzhe chatka lagega kind of a girl. She was a 'moderate' Xavier's college material. Studious but happening. Not those chotta chotta and phata phuta kapde vali.
At standard temperature and pressure, I wouldn't even be sitting besides her. I get repelled when an unknown hawt chick is in a close proximity. The thought that I may make her feel uncomfortable makes me uncomfortable. However ironic, its true.

Back to the situation. The director wasn't available in his office. So following my normal standard protocol, I left.
Then on my way out, this dude shows up, I ask for his time and he patronizingly asks me to wait.
As he walks in, this chick gets up.
[Detour: After watching a documentary on Discovery or Nat Geo, I don't remember which one was it, I have learned or mis-learned a thing about female pheromones. It said something like: If you sit near a girl, you 'catch' her pheromones, which makes you 'healthy'. If you sit on the same seat as she does, same effect. Very weird and creepy, but thats discovery channel, made by creeps and nerds, made for creeps and nerds.]
So following the pheromone-al exchange interaction, I went "Mmmm sweet pheromones" and leaped at that seat.
She sat besides me. DOUBLE PHEROMONES!
Standard norms dictate to shut up, and wait. Take out your cellphone and text random people to kill awkwardness and time.
This time however. I was like. Fhakh! What if my bio-clock is ticking faster than its supposed to be? Before I could process all such similar what ifs, I found myself conversing with her.

I remember travelling by a flight, watching a guy chatting up with a hawt chick(who is a stranger w.r.t him) for the total flight time. And not a one way talking, a thorough conversation. That envied me. How the freakity fhakh can he just 'Talk!?'
May be cause I was trained to talk more with computers in C++ and Python and less with people in English.
But here I was on a roll! So much so that the peon thought, that we two were 'bf-gf'.
Also it didn't end there. We even had a little snack together, walked together.. etc etc.
*Enters blush mode*
I am still digesting the strangeness (w.r.t me) of this situation.
Something similar was tried with another chick who happened to be my friend's friend.
I found my guy friends were envious of me for pulling such an endeavor off.
Though the driving force to all this was "Fhakh I may die soon. Fhakh everything, I am gonna live it off", which was sad.

Saturday, September 01, 2012

The Silent Clock

Death.

How many among us actually take this fact of life under consideration when you plan your schedule?
Not in literal terms though:
8 AM - Wakey Wakey
11 AM Brunch
1 PM Meeting with clients.
3 PM Dead.

When someone dies, the ones most affected by their death become briliant philosophers. Spending time with them makes your brain reconsider the outlook that you have about your life, your future, your plans.

There are various ways to die. This post isn't about those where people commit suicide or get murdered by other human beings. This one is about those where one gets murdered silently, by their own body. Cancer.

There may be so many amongst us who have went through a time where they have seen their near (not necessarily dear) ones murdered in this way (I happened to witness something similar recently, hence this post). But your mind has this preconceived notion of "This won't happen to me."
Death around you makes you rethink. I have 're-thought'. Getting this blog back online was one of those many consequences of such re-thinking.
The first concern is oneself. I have suddenly become a hypochondriac. Searching and scrutinizing every scar, mole and lump on my body. I have found a few which makes me nervous and dizzy. Is it just me or does anyone feel like you have every symptome/sign that defines a particular illness, when you read more and more about that disease online?
Wiki: The 'blah blah blah' cancer has 'blah blah blah' signs.
Me: I have noticed that...
Wiki: The mole looks like 'blah blah' and 'blah blah'.
Me: *checks* Oh FhAkH!
State of depression and anxiety begins.

'Lesions' on my skin justifying their existence.

Given that this blogpost was written during such a state, it may be removed from the blog in future.
This state of anxiety is a pretty bad thing. Your body is continuously indecisive about its decision to throw up. One feels a loss of energy from almost every part of the body (interestingly not from *that* part). There seems like someone has set a bonfire ablaze in my stomach. Ek pura antacid ka pack kaccha chaba dala.

As a part of this anxiety, I wonder some stuff "posthumously". Who would genuinely be sad after you are dead etc.
Interestingly enough,  I could not think of anyone other than few people. Bhencho hitler margaya tha tab isse jyada log dukhi hue thay.
But I do know that there are many who are of  "I don't care, if he drops dead." type.
In the end, I guess there are too many of these type. And I wonder how much time does one wastes in pleasing these "IDC" types. One ends up worrying about what would these 'IDC' types think if I do this and if I do that.

Whoever said "Time is Money." is an ultra capitalist A-Hole. That person took the most precious thing in this cosmos and equated it with the most materialistic man-made crap.

I am being so freaking weird, in this state that yesterday night, I deleted my browser history 'just in case' I do not 'wake up' tomorrow. =/
It irks me when I hear anyone plan for 'future'.

Too many people dying around me, sh!tty stuff going around me for almost one year. Miserable times. Mere dimag ka bharta ho rela hai.

Cerebral cortex, bhai ab tu hi kuch kar. Jaldi kar and hope ki the clock isn't ticking faster than it should.