Saturday, September 01, 2012

The Silent Clock

Death.

How many among us actually take this fact of life under consideration when you plan your schedule?
Not in literal terms though:
8 AM - Wakey Wakey
11 AM Brunch
1 PM Meeting with clients.
3 PM Dead.

When someone dies, the ones most affected by their death become briliant philosophers. Spending time with them makes your brain reconsider the outlook that you have about your life, your future, your plans.

There are various ways to die. This post isn't about those where people commit suicide or get murdered by other human beings. This one is about those where one gets murdered silently, by their own body. Cancer.

There may be so many amongst us who have went through a time where they have seen their near (not necessarily dear) ones murdered in this way (I happened to witness something similar recently, hence this post). But your mind has this preconceived notion of "This won't happen to me."
Death around you makes you rethink. I have 're-thought'. Getting this blog back online was one of those many consequences of such re-thinking.
The first concern is oneself. I have suddenly become a hypochondriac. Searching and scrutinizing every scar, mole and lump on my body. I have found a few which makes me nervous and dizzy. Is it just me or does anyone feel like you have every symptome/sign that defines a particular illness, when you read more and more about that disease online?
Wiki: The 'blah blah blah' cancer has 'blah blah blah' signs.
Me: I have noticed that...
Wiki: The mole looks like 'blah blah' and 'blah blah'.
Me: *checks* Oh FhAkH!
State of depression and anxiety begins.

'Lesions' on my skin justifying their existence.

Given that this blogpost was written during such a state, it may be removed from the blog in future.
This state of anxiety is a pretty bad thing. Your body is continuously indecisive about its decision to throw up. One feels a loss of energy from almost every part of the body (interestingly not from *that* part). There seems like someone has set a bonfire ablaze in my stomach. Ek pura antacid ka pack kaccha chaba dala.

As a part of this anxiety, I wonder some stuff "posthumously". Who would genuinely be sad after you are dead etc.
Interestingly enough,  I could not think of anyone other than few people. Bhencho hitler margaya tha tab isse jyada log dukhi hue thay.
But I do know that there are many who are of  "I don't care, if he drops dead." type.
In the end, I guess there are too many of these type. And I wonder how much time does one wastes in pleasing these "IDC" types. One ends up worrying about what would these 'IDC' types think if I do this and if I do that.

Whoever said "Time is Money." is an ultra capitalist A-Hole. That person took the most precious thing in this cosmos and equated it with the most materialistic man-made crap.

I am being so freaking weird, in this state that yesterday night, I deleted my browser history 'just in case' I do not 'wake up' tomorrow. =/
It irks me when I hear anyone plan for 'future'.

Too many people dying around me, sh!tty stuff going around me for almost one year. Miserable times. Mere dimag ka bharta ho rela hai.

Cerebral cortex, bhai ab tu hi kuch kar. Jaldi kar and hope ki the clock isn't ticking faster than it should.

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