Sunday, February 02, 2014

Till death make us fart

An usual day. Kidney stones et al.
Decided to get it checked up before I dismissed them as pain due to too much of jerking off.

After drinking gallons of coconut water, enough for the malyali nariyal pani seller to send his next two generations to school. Setting my bladder to hold itself at a particular pee threshold, I got myself lubricated on the belly and poked by a dildo like device which kind of vibrated.

MBBS degree wala technician (Doctor?): *Surprised* You must get it checked.
Me: So are you a doctor?
MBBS degree wala Technician: Um?
Me: Nothing.. What's wrong?
Him: I dunno.
Me: Er? Did you find a precious stone in my kidneys?
Him: Well your kidneys are full of stones, but...
Me: *Abe suspense ki aulaad jaldi bata!* But what?
Him: You must see a doctor. Liver specialist.
Me: I thought you were looking at my kidneys! Kya hua mere liver ko?
Him: Well, it doesn't seem alright. But I do not know. You must see a doctor.
Me: Bhai, Kya hua hai?
Him: You must understand that this is not certain. The device has limitations.
Me: *For some reason, I covered my groin area*
Him: It could be gas, it could be some abnormality or... a tumor.
Me: *Ma ki Ankh! Phir se bol!?* What!?
Him: I dunno.
Me: *I dunno ki dukan, kuch toh certain bol! *So whom do I see, to get this cleared up?
Him: Any hospital. but get some blood tests done. Liver functionality tests.
Me: Liver fucktionality tests?
Him: Yes, but better hurry up *writes down the name of the hospital*

It took sometime to completely comprehend the "tumor" thing  and the "better hurry up" caution. 
Unlike a practical person, I got panicked.
My mozilla firefox sported atleast 50 to 70 tabs that had everything related to Liver Functionality Tests(LFT) and cancer of liver apart from nanofluids after returning back to the lab. Envy of porn sites.

So yes, my mind was screwed up.

Over to the pathology lab, I was told in broken hindi and English and in fluent malayalam that it'd take just few minutes to get the tests done and the results reported.
So got pricked by a cute malayali aunty...
*Panic, trauma or not, cuteness of a kudi should never go unnoticed.*
Blood drawn, I spent the longest 15 minutes of my life.
"LFT should be about this value.. This should be around this value." is what I kept on
uttering to myself. Thanks to google.
20 minutes later, I went in to check on her.
She was blissfully writing something on a piece of paper.

It read LFT and the corresponding values.
They were fucking off scale.
I left the room.
My brain went chaotic. I became the most selfish animal in the world.
All I thought about was me and death.
Eyes moist, I walked up and down the isle. The breeze caused  by such a gesticulated
movement dried up the tears. The newer ones were stopped by my cerebral cortex.

In those few moments, I reasoned out my death.

Went inside. She was still writing.
Looking at me, she stopped.
She had jotted down few more values, which were even more off the scale. Like way off. My liver was screwed. Like royally screwed.  And I do not even drink.  Breezer and drakshasva (An ayurvedic concoction with 12% alcohol, yes greater than beer and most wines, easily available in any medical store, *wink wink*) doesn't count.

I tried to take the paper from her. She looked at me and said something in malayalam.
Me: Yes I know, I am fucked.
Her: Illa.. Poda... etc etc
Me: Yes yes.
Her: poda, report illa. Venda Yours.
Me: Teri Ma ki Ankh. Give it to me. >.<
Her: Report not your.
Me: -.- *Farts*

That night, I slept. Slept without any dreams. I knew that all my dreams could wait till tomorrow and I would hopefully have many more tomorrows to fulfil them.


Wanderer said...

I hope you feel better and are okay :) You have a long way to go!!

Pink Panther said...

"My liver was screwed. Like royally screwed." And the thought that creeps into my mind - do you drink? :P Next sentence. " And I do not even drink". Wah! you are a reader of readers thoughts.

Hope you are doing okay.

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